Candy Crush Saga blamed for US obesity: Michelle Obama demands candies only become available after 5 veggie matches

Yes, We Kale

Candy Crush Saga blamed for US obesity: Michelle Obama demands candies only become available after 5 veggie matches
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| Candy Crush Saga

[If you were wondering, yes this is an April Fool story...]

In a surprise move initiated by Michelle Obama, the US Congress has voted to crack down on Candy Crush Saga.

Calling King's match-3 game a "danger to our children's waistlines and its wallets", the First Lady gained bipartisan support across both the Senate and House of Representatives for the deal under her Let's Move program.

This is designed to solve the US epidemic of childhood obesity.

Out with candies, in with kale

The new legislation demands that King changes the game's art style to include more fruit and vegetables.

Candies will now only become available after what Mrs Obama labelled at least five 'healthy portion-sized matches' of non-sugary foodstuffs.

"We want to set an example to our kids. A 3-way match of tomatoes or peas is okay, but we want them to do better," said Mrs Obama.

"Can we inspire the next generation to make a 5-way match of superfoods like pomegranates or kale? Yes we can."

Bigger IAP portions

She also requested King consider a School Day mode, further limiting access to candy matches until children had 'completed their homework and household chores'.

The most controversial part of the new legislation involves the game's in-app purchase system, however.

With many governments considering the issue of virtual purchases, particularly those targeted at children, there was widespread support for an additional clause forcing King to rethink its portion sizes when it comes to IAPs.

In an unprecedented move, the oversized governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, demanded more extra moves for his dollar.

"Three Lollipop Hammers for a buck is unAmerican," he fumed, while chewing on a rack of honey-glazed pork ribs.

"That sort of thing may cut the mustard in the socialist republic of Swedenland, but here in the good ol' US of A, one greenback is worth nothing less than ten lollipops with chocolate sprinkles on, and as many Coke refills as I want."

Rumours that the new law comes with President Obama stuck on Level 147 of Candy Crush Saga for over five weeks remain, as yet, unconfirmed.

Normal Mainer
Normal Mainer
American author and journalist Normal Mainer was born in Ketchum, Idaho. He's written widely about the computer games industry, although in a manner often described as being "hesitant, disorganized, and confused". He won the IMGA's Best Game Journalist Award Ever for the fifth time in 2012.