Sylvia Saint in Erotic Pool

Working men's clubs consistently come with three much-craved phenomena. First, there's the supremely cheap, but highly gaseous lager. Second, more dirty jokes flying around the place than frilly knickers at a Take That concert. And third, a worse-for-wear pool table towards one side of the room that's in constant use.

Yes, we Brits love our pool. But what if the prize we received for winning a match-up wasn't just the meagre 20-pence piece that your mate's ageing grandad was willing to bet, but a glimpse at a sexy lady's boobs? Well, you could count on Friday nights down your local containing considerably more than just that handful of regulars.

Starring porno queen Silvia Saint, Erotic Pool aims to give us precisely that prize in exchange for a few quid. And you know what? It's bloody rubbish, even in the limited field of adult mobile games.

Why? Well, let's ignore the fact that all the 'sexy pictures' of Miss Saint are easily available via a quick Google image search, and focus on the game itself.

Viewed from the old-fashioned, top-down perspective, the pool action here is about as enjoyable as having a cue smashed over the back of your head. And for anyone else out there who's had a night out in Manchester, you'll know there are nicer feelings in life.

Our biggest issue with it is the fact this isn't ever proper pool. There's not a spot or stripe to be seen, with you simply offered a prompt to pot all of the balls on the table, and subsequently a sexy picture for your troubles. Then again, Erotic Ball Potting With Silvia Saint doesn't quite have the same ring to it (and could be easily misconstrued).

Lining up a shot and getting the power setting spot on is easy enough, but unfortunately the balls themselves have an annoying habit of… well… rolling away in the wrong direction. Now, we might be happy to put up with the odd lump on the table at our local drinking establishment, but here it's just bloody irritating when you spent a few minutes lining things up perfectly.

As you beat the first few levels and unlock a few naughty pics, you might start to expect some sort of challenge. Be careful what you wish for, though, as suddenly your time limit and number of shots rapidly deplete, and you need to pot each ball with a single shot in order to reveal the next picture. We enjoy a contest, but we're not too big on being forced to tear out our hair in sheer frustration due to dodgy difficulty inducing tactics such as these.

All in all, we implore you to avoid Erotic Pool. It's simply a terrible game that's been combined with some vaguely sexy pictures. And you'll gain no pleasure from them given the absurd effort it took to unlock them.

Buy a porn mag and Steve Davis Pool Star instead, or if you must have smutty balls, try the old-but-ok Sexy Pool.

Sylvia Saint in Erotic Pool

Snooker loopy nuts we may be, but we're not daft enough to buy this tripe
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