The top 6 franchises EA should leave the hell alone

Don't you do it, EA! Don't you do it

The top 6 franchises EA should leave the hell alone
| Dungeon Keeper

Controversy! Free-to-play! Beloved franchises!

If you could distil the reaction to EA's Dungeon Keeper reboot into three phrases, said three phrases probably wouldn't be publishable. So, we're just going to have to make do with those ones up there.

If you could distil the reaction to EA's Dungeon Keeper reboot into an action, it would be an agonised fist shake. If it were a song, it would last 30 seconds and sound like a guitar being put into a blender while someone who loved that guitar screamed.

Basically, everyone is angry. And to try and poke more reaction out of you, we've decided to compile a list of six other EA franchises we'd hate to see mangled into indifference by cynical F2P practices.

I'd like to point out, by the way that you should take this article as seriously as you possibly can. For I took the writing of it very seriously, too. Clearly.

These aren't just games; they're cherished parts of your formative years. And having them taken away from you is like losing a limb. In the past. Or something.


Why it's great: Because it's Syndicate.

It's a grim and grimy isometric cyberpunk futuristic tactical shooter full of inter-corporation espionage. And it features really big guns and lots of murdering and whatnot.

How EA might ruin it: Energy bars!

Oh, you wanted to go do another mission, did you?

Sorry, but your elite squad of technologically enhanced super-soldiers are all quite sleepy at the moment. You could buy some electricity to perk them up a bit, though. "Only £69.99 for three charges!"


Why it's great: It's the first classic god sim.

There are land-levelling powers, terrible events, squidgy little people running around, and a massive world for you to shape until it looks like you've created it in your own image.

How EA might ruin it: Currencies!

Because having to buy extra bundles of god power to ensure all of your god-like powers actually work makes complete sense in a setting where you're supposed to be the supreme creator.

"You'll need more GP to fire that lightning bolt, I'm afraid."

Desert Strike

Why it's great: Because of helicopters.

Pilot a helicopter around a series of battlefields, saving lives, distributing supplies, shooting down enemy aircraft, and generally being the sort of military badass that none of us will ever be in real life.

How EA might ruin it: Unattainable upgrades!

Uh-oh, it looks like your rope isn't strong enough to support those burly stranded soldiers. You can grind for another 46 hours on the levels you've already unlocked to earn enough Helicopter Cash to upgrade.

Or you can spend £69.99 to upgrade instantly.

Road Rash

Why it's great: Because nothing can pique the imagination of a youngster more than motorcycles and violence.

Sometimes, you have a chain that you can swing at the bad guys to knock them over. Class.

How EA might ruin it: Endless-runner!

"You've crashed - spend 500 road bux to get back on your bike."

"Unlock extra chain power-ups for 300 RB at the start of each race."

"Your bike isn't powerful enough to unlock this challenge - upgrade for 10,000 RB?"

Theme Hospital

Why it's great: Because there's nothing funnier than ill people.

Hilarious diseases and an in-depth strategic sim system make this one of the finest examples of the 'Theme' series out there. Hospital infections have never been so infectious.

How EA might ruin it: Wait timers!

People are dying, but that antidote won't unfortunately be "ready for 39:59". "Well, unless you spend some of our PREMIUM CURRENCY to make the staff magically materialise faster". Then, you can have it right now.


Wing Commander

Why it's great: Because of Luke Skywalker.

It's a flight simulator set in space in which you're rewarded for going above and beyond the call of duty. And it's in space. And later editions of the game starred Luke Skywalker. I honestly don't know what more you want from a game.

How EA might ruin it: Clash of Wing Commander Clans!

You don't want to actually fly a spaceship, do you? That's boring.

Instead, just build some, then send them off to scrap with other Wing Commanders in this tenuously linked base builder over which you have little control. Pay to make things faster. Pay to be strongest. Pay to be the best at paying. Just pay.

Harry Slater
Harry Slater
Harry used to be really good at Snake on the Nokia 5110. Apparently though, digital snake wrangling isn't a proper job, so now he writes words about games instead.