Victoria's Naughty Games

There are several types of naughty games we can think of. The first that springs to mind involves knocking on people's front doors then running away – naughty and intensely irritating for your victim. Then, stepping it up a level, there's super-gluing a pound coin to the pavement and watching people try to pick it up. Hilarious.

However, the Victoria in this mobile game is referring to a whole different sort of naughty game and, depending on your point of view, that is either fortunate or unfortunate. Either way, it's the kind of game that takes you down the naked Twister or strip poker alley. And it's not one game, it's three.

You start you off with a three-by-three squared grid, each square showing a question mark. Exactly what is hidden behind each square is up to you to unlock and reveal, although one look at the screenshots on this page should be enough of a clue as to what sort of reward awaits those who complete each mini-game. But even without screenshot assistance, it probably won't spoil the surprise to learn it's a photo of Victoria (and normally a friend), short on clothes and big on come-hither facial expressions.

The game itself is focused around a series of mini-games. And while we hesitate to compare Victoria's Naughty Games with the Game Boy's mini-game classic Wario Ware – if only because the content of the games couldn't be further apart – the way your instructions at the start of each game are encapsulated in a single word are reminiscent of Nintendo's title, albeit with a considerable reduction in variety. Here, the three different games only call for you to 'centre', 'react' and 'catch'.

For the 'centre' game, you use the buttons or joystick to move around until a picture is located, then have to set it in a perfectly central position before the timer ticks down to zero.

In 'react', an image is divided into four squares, with each quarter then flashing on and off. You simply need to stop each one when it's lit up to complete the whole image.

Finally, and easily the hardest of the tasks, the 'catch' game has you waiting poised on a black screen before it suddenly throws a picture at you. You then have to stop the image when it is central on the screen to pass.

Your lives are shown at the top of the screen, represented by hearts. Three are given to start with, but an extra life is earned every time you complete a row on the grid and these effectively make for a game that's remarkably easy to finish. As the mini-games within it call mostly for luck rather than skill, you'd have to be very unfortunate not to have got through them all after ten attempts.

Ultimately, the mini-games themselves are the biggest problem (although the nine, pretty low quality pictures you're playing for come a close second). There are only three types available and none are any good – they're over in seconds and call for no skills other than quick reactions. And even if you have the reflexes of a rattlesnake, winning still feels more random than anything else.

Anyway, once you've completed the entire grid, you win the ultimate prize. Don't get too excited, though, because this is just the ability to look at the nine photos of Victoria you've unlocked whenever you like: Victoria eating a banana; Victoria wearing the sort of flimsy bikini that would cause the lifeguard to blow his whistle if worn at the local leisure centre… you get the idea.

Not that we have a problem with the general premise of the game – win a quick-played mini-game, unlock a sexy picture isn't such a bad idea. And with a bit more effort, it could have been a reasonable game but three types of mini-games and a total of nine pictures hardly represents good value for money.

In fact, it's so lacking, it barely feels like a game – more a method of delaying your access to semi-erotic photos for what amounts to little more than ten seconds. You'd get the same effect trying to access The Sun's Page 3 stunners photo gallery with a 56k modem. And the pictures would be of a higher standard as well.