Dementium: The Ward competition winners announced

Maybe it’s our way of dealing with the unsettling questions of mortality that they provoke, or perhaps it’s just our twisted sense of humour. Either way, one undeniable fact remains about hospitals - they make for cracking anecdotes.

And so when SouthPeak contacted us about running a competition to celebrate the release of the intense hospital-set shooter Dementium on DS, we thought we’d risk damaging our funny bones by asking you for your best hospital-related stories.

The results are in, and the winner of a DS plus a copy of Dementium is Abbie Poole. It’s not just the story itself (which is amusing enough) but the way Abbie paints the scene. You can almost feel her poor sister’s horrified embarrassment:

“About 2 years ago my big sister Catherine was referred to her local hospital, The Victoria Infirmary in Glasgow, by her GP for some routine tests. These tests were to be done in an outpatient department and involved various tests, taking blood, x-rays etc.

Catherine turned up at the hospital for her x-rays as arranged and waited patiently in the usual warm and over-crowded waiting room. Eventually she was called through and the nurse explained that to prepare for the x-ray she was to strip off completely and put on a blue hospital gown, the kind that ties at the back. The changing room had two doors, one that led back to the waiting room and one that led to the x-ray room. She was told that once she was changed she should go through the other door and enter the x-ray room where the nurse would be waiting for her.

So she got changed and hung her clothes up where she was told to and picked up her handbag and left the changing room. Only she didn't exit through the x-ray door, she went through the door that led back into the waiting room. Busy making sure her handbag was closed securely, she had taken a couple of steps into the waiting room, the full to capacity waiting room, before she realised her mistake.

But she thought she'd draw more attention to herself if she turned around and re-entered the changing room so she carried on into the waiting room and found a seat, passing loads of people on the way. And there she sat, red-faced, no shoes, a doctor's style handbag at her feet and wearing a hospital gown that was gaping at the back. She could hear the whispers and the nervous giggles from the people around her but she couldn't bring herself to move. And she felt that the longer she sat there the more her bare bottom was sticking to the pvc chair!

When the nurse finally realised what had happened and came to find her, Catherine was so embarrassed she couldn't stand up and the nurse had to tell her to rock gently to unstick herself then lead her, holding the gown closed at the back, into the x-ray room. When the door closed behind her Catherine heard rest of the crowd in the waiting room burst out laughing. And the nurse could hardly speak either.”

Well done Abbie - there’s no feeling in the world quite like profiting from a sibling’s misfortune. Our first runner up, who wins a copy of Dementium, is Alex Brittain, who has this eye-watering cautionary tale to tell:

“My brother's an ambulance driver and has a few stories about things he's seen. Most of these are horrifying, but somehow he's become immune to it all and thinks they make good conversation.

Anyway, here's one hospital story I enjoy. It involves mystery injuries and has a logical and satisfying conclusion. A bit like CSI but with more comedy damage taken to the genetalia.

A chap gets brought in to Casualty - naked and unconscious, with a small head trauma and a lacerated scrotum. His girlfriend, who called for the ambulance, insists he's not a pervert, so the doctors can't figure it out.

Eventually the chap wakes up in his hospital bed and tells his story.

He was alone in the house, doing a few chores - stark naked since the only audience was the cat, which followed him from room to room for company. When he got to the bathroom, he leant over to clean the bath, which presented the cat with an hypnotically swinging target. Naturally, it pounced for its prey, claws outstretched.

The last thing the chap remembered was a sharp pain in the testicles, which caused him to shoot up in agony, smack his head on the bathroom cabinet and pass out.”

Ouch. Finally we have Sandra Beattie, who also wins a copy of Dementium for her tale of an outbreak of avian poo:

“I was in hospital a few years ago during a really hot weather spell. I had slipped disc and was totally on my back. Anyway I pleaded with the nurses to wheel my bed outside to enjoy the fresh air. After much persuasion and words with the Consultant this was okay'd.

It took the nurses about half an hour to get me comfortable and get the bed sorted. We were literally just outdoors when a flock of seagulls flew overhead, who must have just been fed.

I had pigeon poo all over the sheets, my hair, and all down my face. I was promptly wheeled back in to get cleaned up.

The nurses were trying to stifle their laughter, and when I tell my kids about this now they think it's hysterical, but I was fuming at the time.”

Coo. Thanks again to SouthPeak Games for providing the prizes.