Game Reviews

Chop Chop Soccer

Star onStar onStar halfStar offStar off
|
| Chop Chop Soccer
Get
Chop Chop Soccer
|
| Chop Chop Soccer

The press might be calling on Fabio Capello to bring in a legion of fresh talent following England's predictable disaster in South Africa, but there might just be a better, more cutting way to improve the team's fortunes.

Ninjas.

You can picture the scene: as soon as England lose possession, out come the flying kicks, the likelihood of two or three red cards offset by the menace of Capello standing on the sidelines, katana in full view.

Although it's hard to imagine any squad of men on the planet doing a worse job in an England shirt than Gerrard and co., Chop Chop Soccer proves that worse is possible.

Slim pickings

Here's a game populated by unimposing ninja-like ragdolls who can't play football.

Indeed, Chop Chop Soccer – which is essentially four-on-four football played without any offside calls, fouls, or any semblance of rules beyond getting the ball across the goal line – is a particularly sparse affair.

Case in point: it comes with only Quick Play and a ten team-strong Tournament mode – the likes of Argentina, Australia, Brazil, England, France, Germany, Japan, Netherlands, Spain, and USA present in name and kit colour only.

The games are equally thin when it comes to actual action. It's an especially light take on the sport, with no half-time whistle and the ball never going out of play.

Cutting up the controls

Exerting command over the pitch in order to score is no easy task. It all comes down to the controls, which are straightforward on one hand and disordered on the other.

There are, in fact, just two forms of input. To get your player to move, you simply press a finger to the screen, with player in question running towards your mark.

Passing your opponents then comes down to darting your finger around without ever breaking contact with the screen, your players engaging in an evasive run or two as a result.

Conversely, passing, shooting, and sliding tackles are all assigned to swipes, with the direction and length of each stroke determining both the force and angle of the shot or slide.

The problem is, the game very rarely responds to said swipes in the correct manner, causing run after run to result in nothing more than a loss of possession.

Off target

Shots on goal, for instance, rely on your ability to perform a swipe immediately after dribbling your way into the box. This means lifting your finger from the screen for a second, only to bring it straight back down again to carry out a swipe in the appropriate direction.

Again and again you find that by the time you're halfway through a swipe you've already lost possession, the opposition's goalie or defender taking the ball off you before you've had a chance to strike.

Even if you get the space to fire, all too often Chop Chop Soccer misreads swipes made in the heat of the moment, failing to shoot at all or kicking the ball in the wrong direction entirely.

On the rare occasions when things do go to plan, scoring a goal in Chop Chop Soccer is indeed sweet, but its attempt to strip back the controls has backfired, essentially castrating what is already a bare bash at the beautiful game.

Chop Chop Soccer

Hampered by overly simple and poorly instigated touch controls, Chop Chop Soccer is an empty experience that's more frustrating than fun
Score