You love Pokemon GO, right? So did we, in our Pokemon GO review.
But don't let that fool you. We actually hated it.*
It's probably the worst game to have ever hit the App Store. And here's why…
Not only is leg day the worst day, the gyms in Pokemon GO contain some of the worst battling the franchise has seen. You can only swipe to dodge or tap to attack, with no real strategy from the mainline games to be found.
What's more, you can only battle asynchronously, not in real time against your friends, so you can't see the smug look wiped off their sorry faces when you demolish their 13cp Pidgey with your 1000cp Onix mwuhahaha.The high level game is pretty much broken
That's right, once you get into levels 25+, Pokemon GO stops becoming very fun. XP scaling is way off, you only see the same six Pokemon, and you're gonna need to spend some cash to get anywhere.
Of course, this is all after hundreds of hours of gleeful merriment and exploration, all for free, but god dammit I'm angry at the very serious business of video games here, okay?! Why aren't Nintendo paying ME to play their stupid game? Hmph.
It's just battling and trading
Remember Pokemon Snap? Pokemon Colosseum? Pokemon Puzzle Challenge?! Stone cold classics, every one of them, yet we can't do any of that stuff in Pokemon GO, only trading and battling, which SUCKS.
Instead, why can't it have all the features of ALL the Pokemon games? Or, even better, the features of all Nintendo games?
Why can't I catch a Mario, race round a track with Link, then look after my animal-filled village with Sonic, all in my own city via the medium of Pokemon GO?
It's a battery hog
Listen, when I buy an iPhone I expect top quality battery life, and top quality battery life I am not getting right now - and it's all Pokemon GO's fault.
The fact the game stops tracking your movements - so eggs don't hatch and Pokemon don't jump out at you - when your screen is locked means your phone has to be on all the time.
Is it so much to ask that a game that requires internet, tracks movement, uses your camera, and has the screen on the whole time not drain your battery? What did we do to deserve this?!People are coming onto my land and they're happy and smiling and oh GOD won't you please go AWAY
On the plus side...
Practically the only good thing about Pokemon GO is the servers - they're terrible, so if you're lucky, you won't even have to play it.
Heh heh heh.
*We didn't. God this is confusing