Unless you're a massive old-school Sega fan, this week is going to look like a whole lot of junk.
Well, okay. That's not strictly true - Europeans do get a rather exciting new release this week, especially if you're a fan of Japanese RPGs.
But otherwise, it's not looking great out there. I'm just warning you in advance, so you can't claim that I didn't warn you sooner. I'm nice like that.
Here we go.
European eShop releases
Bravely Default is out this week! It's the eShop's one saving grace, and from what I've played of it up to now, it's rather lovely.
Imagine a Japanese RPG like Ni No Kuni, throw in some city-building elements, and you're sort of on the money with this turn-based adventure.
Expect my review soon, but if you're going to pick it up before then, I'd suggest looking for it at retail - it's a whopping £39.99 on the eShop.
Otherwise, you've got 3D Altered Beast and 3D Sonic the Hedgehog for £4.49 each - stereoscopic 3D versions of classic Mega Drive games, in case you're interested in that sort of thing.
Then there's Monster High 13 Wishes, Disney Frozen: Olaf’s Quest, Fishdom H2O: Hidden Odyssey, Double Dragon... see, I told you it was garbage.
US eShop releases
So Europe has Bravely Default, and that was good. Alas, America gets no such wonderment.
Apart from the aforementioned 3D Altered Beast and 3D Sonic The Hedgehog, you guys get Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, Brilliant Hamsters!, and Donkey Kong 3.
Again, I would just like to point out that I did warn you in advance, so I am not liable for any heartache and/or rage you felt as a result of this rundown.
Back again next week!