My Tamagotchi Forever Diary - The trials and tribulations of being a virtual pet owner [Final]

Free me from this burden

My Tamagotchi Forever Diary - The trials and tribulations of being a virtual pet owner [Final]

Part 1

Have you ever been saddled with a responsibility that you just don't want? Like, the kind of responsibility that literally leaves faeces on your carpet and then make noises until you clean it up?

When I agreed to dive head first into the world of My Tamagotchi Forever I was under the impression I was getting a wee pal to hang out with. Someone to take my mind off of the stresses of life and refocus my energy into positive vibes. Instead I get a burden.

my tamagotchi forever

I'm quickly given my tour of the town and my new responsibilities, such as pick up poo, buy food, tickle tamagotchi creatures… um…

Suddenly, I feel like the job description was lacking a few details. For one, I don't remember anyone saying a single thing about rug poo being a regularity. Regular rug poo. Devastating.

Before I even have time to adjust to my new lifestyle, there's a damn egg in the living room. It's a baby.

my tamagotchi forever

Here's the thing about tamagotchi things. There are baby, toddler, teen and adult forms. They all poo on the floor. Like, they never stop. Straight out of the egg, never actually eaten anything before, already having a poo.

I tend to the baby, feed it, tap it in order to make it go to the toilet, then it's off to bed.

--- Part 2

So the baby kind of, evolved over night? It's a toddler now. It turned from a round duck thing, to a star, I guess? It's a bit more surreal than Pokémon evolution, but stars are going to be more interesting, right?

Well, the floor is covered in poo. I don't want to sound like a broken record or anything, but who exactly wanted this?

my tamagotchi forever

To get away from the stench I take the new toddler out on the town for some activities. All of its joy is short lived. Go on a trampoline? Great, for five seconds. Football? Gets old hat fast. Visit the park? Pfft, nothing is good enough!

So I go to the shop and I drop pretty much all my money on buying the wee blighter a new outfit. It's a magician star now. “Well, stars look pretty magical to me!” I chime, as they try it on.

my tamagotchi forever

Again, happy for five seconds, pooping on the floor the next.

So I resort to the only thing I understood in my childhood; video games. I stick on a classic match 3 game to get the blood pumping and up those happiness levels.

Didn't work. It doesn't care much for a Candy Crush clone, apparently.

my tamagotchi forever

I hate being an adult.


Part 3

You know what I don’t want to do after a long day at work? Walk in to my abode and see the place covered in poo. It’s just not what I want.

A long, hard day at the office, slaving over a hot keyboard creating hot takes on twitter, and what do I get when I come home? Poo. Nothing but god damn poo.

So, my star-thing evolved. It’s a… fluffy cloud sheep thing? I think? Something along those lines anyway. It makes all the same annoying noises. It pooped on the floor.

my tamagotchi forever

You know what’s the worst? Like, I can understand a pet pooping on the floor. They don’t understand. Poor wee idiots.

But these Tamagotchi things, right, they know how to use a toilet. Like, they want you to tap them to squeeze it out, sure, but if they can squeeze them out on the rug, why wouldn’t they just do it in the toilet?

It seems like the only comprehensible reason for not using the toilet is that they’re not big enough to get up there by themselves (which they definitely are) but even then the fact that I’m finding poop in the living room as well as the bathroom feels like a hostile taunt.

my tamagotchi forever

It’s a god damn teen now, and I’m still supposed to be helping them go to the toilet? And don’t blame the parents for this, no one told me this was what a Tamagotchi did.


Part 4

I woke up this morning with a sickly feeling in my stomach. I’ve lived for 26, nearing 27 years on this planet earth. Each day I wake, eat, exist, and each night I pray that I don’t have to repeat that process again.

This crushing, heart wrenching process seems endless. Something it feels like I’ve lived with forever, even though I’m sure at one point in my life, I awoke to hope, optimism, and even happiness of a sort. That was all before I had to take care of a tamagotchi.

My Tamagotchi Forever

It’s an adult now. Poo everywhere. I don’t need to give you the details, I’m sure you can see where this is going. Nothing has improved. My life is constant suffering and picking up poop.

I had a tamagotchi when I was 7, and I finally put the little thing down once it had died. I felt there was only one way out of this. I tried to end the tamagotchi’s life by smothering it with a pillow.

My Tamagotchi Forever

As it turns out, iPad apps don’t actually need to breathe.

I’ve uninstalled it, but my life has forever changed for the worse.

Dave Aubrey
Dave Aubrey
Dave served as a contributor, and then Guides Editor at Pocket Gamer from 2015 through to 2019. He specialised in Nintendo, complaining about them for a living.