Hollywood take note: five potential pocket gaming blockbusters

When asked about his involvement in Super Mario Brothers, Bob Hoskins famously remarked: "The worst thing I ever did." And he's not alone in deriding that film. Its average score as recorded on Rotten Tomatoes is just six per cent.

And the other films-of-games scarcely fare better.

Street Fighter (27%) is garbage, Mortal Kombat (20%) is trash, Resident Evil (33%) is more or less pointless, Tomb Raider (19%) is an insult, and Final Fantasy: Spirits Within (43%) is only just tolerable (although Advent Children is better).

Things would appear to be on the verge of improving, with Peter Jackson allegedly keen to make a film of Halo, but the current landscape is undeniably barren.

So why can't the film-makers get it right? It can't be that hard to make a decent film based on a game, what with the ready-made characters and worlds. Why do all of the films mentioned belong to the lowbrow action and fantasy genres? With scores of talented writers crawling like ants over the Hollywoods hills, why have none of them seen fit to put good dialogue in the mouths of video game characters?

Good cinema relies on the same qualities that all good fiction does: believable motivations and dramatic situations. To show willing, here are some examples we've cooked up to demonstrate that the every Pocket Gamer has the ingredients of great, totally legitimate – and very probably Oscar-winning – fiction in the palms of their hands.

Animal Crossing: Wild F**king World

Dir. Martin Scorcese. Frank: Hailey Joel Osment; Tom Nook: Al Pacino.

Tagline: "As far back as I remember, I always wanted to be a squirrel…"

When Frank arrives in the city of Clockton looking for a new life, local businessman Tom Nook is quick to take him under his wing. Frank quickly gets set up in a house of his own, makes friends with the locals, and finds a job as a dogsbody.

When a suspect fire burns down Frank's house and the insurance won't pay, Nook offers to foot the bill for the price of a small chore: several of Clockton's residents owe Nook a little money, and so he sends Frank round to collect.

The locals are strangely compliant, and Frank smells a rat. When he walks in on Nook torturing Brewster the Pigeon with a lathe, his fears are confirmed.

Rather than killing Frank, Nook takes him into his confidence and teaches him how to fight, torture, and extort, with a view to being succeeded by him one day at the head of his blood-soaked organization.

Frank learns that his final rite of passage will be to carry out a 'hit', but when the target turns out to be his old friend Lyle, Frank has to face the most difficult choice of his life.

Secret Sola, Gritty Rola

Dir. Mike Leigh. Waz: Timothy Spall; Wiz: Alison Steadman.

Tagline: "Anybody who tells you that life is worth living is a liar"

Wiz and Waz appear to have it all. Waz is a well-regarded space adventurer, and Wiz an affluent suburban home-maker and frequent Tupperware party host. On the surface, life is sweet.

However, there are cracks beneath the façade. While he puts on a brave show, Waz resents the daily grind of interstellar adventure. He longs to step away from the rat-race and open his own café, but feels imprisoned by Wiz's enthusiasm for his work and the status it brings.

Wiz, meanwhile, feels alienated and powerless, and increasingly spends her time in the playroom, simulating the adventurous life that Waz takes for granted.

Finally, at their well-attended tenth anniversary party, the dam bursts. Silence descends on the dinner table and everybody stares glassy-eyed at their knees, taking it in turns to deliver an anecdote illustrating how unbearable life is.

Dir. Michael Bay. Doug Einstein: Tom Hanks; Gregory Boyle: Bruce Willis; brother-in-law: Randy Quaid; wife and family: Kerry Catona et al.

Tagline: "One small error becomes a night of suspense, culminating in a remarkable anticlimax"

When celebrated architect Doug Einstein returns from a long holiday to attend the opening party at his latest and most ambitious building, he's suspicious, and a glance at the production schedule confirms his fears. The contractor, who happens also to be Doug's wayward brother-in-law, has ignored his plans.

Rather than constructing the skyscraper by the conventional means of slowly raising a steel skeleton embedded in reinforced concrete, the contractor has dropped the floors from a swinging crane to cut costs.

Inevitably, disaster strikes. When the 55th floor lands askew, the whole building begins to list in the wind. Ignoring his advice, the party organisers insist that the event on floor 55, which Doug's wife, sister, and four children are all attending, go ahead as planned.

With the help of local fire chief Gregory Boyle, Doug embarks on a daring mission to save his family whilst wresting with self-recrimination over his decision to take a holiday during the construction of one of his own buildings and the nepotism that saw him put his unqualified brother-in-law, by trade a yeast salesman, in charge.

After a knuckle-biting rescue attempt, the building topples and everybody dies, including catering staff. In accordance with his last wish, Doug has his high-score of 55 carved into his tombstone.

My Shadow Dog

Dir. David Fincher. Frank: Nicholas Cage; voice of Milhouse: Bobcat Goldthwaite.

Tagline: "Man's best friend just became Frank's last hope… of saying goodbye"

When astrologer Frank Pepper loses his wife Marjorie and two children in a freak pottery accident, he promptly has a mental breakdown. His counsellor advises him to get a dog to fill the void, so he buys a Labrador puppy and calls it Milhouse.

Soon, however, Frank suspects that all is not well with his new companion. All night, Milhouse whines and scratches at the locked door to the children's empty room.

When Frank's family doctor bitterly reveals during a game of mahjong that Marjorie was pregnant at the time of her death, everything becomes clear: Milhouse is the reincarnated spirit of their unborn child.

Using a reputable audiobook, Frank teaches Milhouse to speak, and they share their stories of loss and devastation, carefully circling the same dark truth – their new lives have set them free.

But, after house-training proves unsatisfactory, Frank has Milhouse put to sleep.

Dir. Ang Lee. Jack: Jake Gyllenhaal; Ennis: Heath Ledger.

Tagline: "Love is a force of tessellation"

At the end of a long summer herding cattle on a remote mountaintop, emotionally aloof farmhands Jack and Ennis discover an inner connection. To the surprise of both, they find that they are not lines, as they had grown up believing, but L-shaped.

Once the realisation dawns, their lives start to make sense. Instead of jarring with the clutter of humanity, they descend the mountain and slot neatly into the L-shaped grooves where they both belong.

Unfortunately, the cost of honesty is high, and no sooner do they slot into place than an intolerant population flashes briefly and disappears for a 5000 point bonus.

So there you have it. If a humble game journalist can devise five absolutely bullet-proof pitches, surely somebody in the film industry will eventually be able to produce a blockbuster film from the excellent raw materials that abound in the handheld video game world.

Your move, Hollywood.