5 more famous villains who'd make really good company heads
Because why the hell not?
Special report! Real all about it! News! These are some of the things that you might hear in an adult, reserved news room. The sort of place that wouldn't make a joke when someone called Doug Bowser takes over at Nintendo of America; the sort of joyless, mirthless hole that no one would ever want to spend any time in.
Luckily here at Pocket Gamer we're neither reserved nor adult. We're essentially giddy cynics who bite at any chance to try and do something out of the ordinary. We're so whacky that sometimes we complain about people doing a thing, and then go and do the thing anyway. Oh me oh my are we ever the zaniest mobile gaming website on the internet.
Anyway, since Bowser is now in charge at Nintendo, it seemed sensible to make a list of other villains that would also make great heads of companies. Or bad heads of companies. To be honest, this is mainly just a list of some classic bad guys with some jokes thrown in there. They're good jokes though, well worth reading.
Look, it's Friday, and everyone else is doing it. Don't judge us, just come along for the joyous, weird, and occasionally rambling ride. Honest, we reckon you're going to have the best time. There are puns too!
1
Dr. Stephen Robotnik - Sega
There's actually a very real chance that this has already happened. Think about it - there haven't been any good Sonic games in years. Who's to blame? Obviously the nefarious Dr Robotnik has used all of the Chaos Emeralds to finally become CEO of the Japanese developer. I think you can do that with them.
Although if Robotnik was in charge, you'd expect there to be more Robotnik-centric games coming out on a regular basis. Which probably means that the reason there haven't been any good Sonic games recently is that they're really tough to make, and there's a load of pressure on the teams making them. Who knows?
2
William Metal Gear - Konami
In the wake of Kojima getting an unceremonious heave-ho, now's the perfect time for a giant, emotionless robot killing machine to take over. It makes sense if you think about it, since emotion and humanity don't seem to be all that important in modern video games.
Plus, if anyone complains about any of the decisions the company makes (hah, IF. This is the internet, of course they're going to complain), then the Metal Gear can just blow them up with rockets and lasers and, as a last resort, stomping.
3
Frank Glados - Valve
Hahaha, it'd be funny if an insane robot was running the biggest PC gaming company. Because PC gamers are essentially insane robots, right? Ooooh we got beef with them PC gamers, having to stay in one spot to play their games, and using buttons instead of sexy smooth surfaces to interact with their digital entertainment. It's like they're controlled by, wait for it, an insane robot.
One day someone will finish all of the challenges that GLADOS has set for them and they will get cake. Honestly I don't even know if Portal jokes are relevant anymore but I've committed to this so I'm rolling with it. Portal was pretty good though, right? Proper loved that game.
4
Simon Sephiroth - Square Enix
Wanna get things done? Then you need a leader who's not only dangerously insane, but who also has one of the most iconic swords in video game history. Not feeling up to work today? CUT IN HALF BY A GIANT SAMURAI SWORD. Stealing from the supply cupboard? CUT IN HALF BY A GIANT SAMURAI SWORD.
Actually this might explain why Square's games are so expensive when they come to mobile. After all, if you're having to pay out settlements for sword-based injuries left right and centre, you're going to have to figure out how to recoup your losses.
5
Mickey Bison - Capcom
Not only would Mickey Bison create some really natty uniforms for the workers of Capcom, he'd also use his psycho powers to make sure they were all working to the utmost of their abilities. I imagine he'd also use a lot of head stamps when people thought they were safe.
He'd also wear a cape a lot. I think more company heads should be forced to wear capes and swoosh about in them like vaudeville villains. But then I also think that M. Bison's first name is Mickey, so what do you expect?
