Subbuteo DS
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DS
| Subbuteo DS

Updating a hallowed classic is fraught with difficulty. Casino Royale, Dr Who and (some of) the Lego games have been exceptional successes, but everyone would agree that New Kids on the Block, the birch and Carlton Palmer are best left in the dustbin of history. Subbuteo DS, sadly, falls squarely into the second category.

Subbuteo does, at least, try and offer something different. It could have been a cheap excuse to repackage a bog standard football title. But while the production values are very much 'lo-fi', in terms of mechanics there's plenty of thought in evidence.

Just as Subbuteo involved you flicking plastic footballers around a cloth pitch that you could never quite get the creases out of, so Subbuteo DS sees you spinning your eleven placcy disc men across the game screen.

In terms of control, think golf games and 'power bars'. Using the stylus you select your chosen man, point him in the right direction and then drag a giant animated finger back to add the requisite measure of power, side and elevation. Do this skillfully and your man will regain possession in impossibly tight positions. Fail and you'll give away free kicks and find yourself giving the finger back to a fiddly and pedantic control system.

Goalkeepers are the only piece to break out of static Subbuteo world. And how. You control goalies directly and, just like in real game of Subbuteo, by waggling the stylus about like a mad thing you give yourself a better than even chance of saving the ball. Such stylus scratching heroics also enable you to clear attacks from the edge of the area with ease.

It all sounds daft and slightly It's a Knockout, but in actual fact, Subbuteo plays something like football chess. Because each piece is only allowed three consecutive touches of the ball, you always have to think ahead. We're used to the arcade football heroics of FIFA, where one talented individual can win a match, but Subbuteo is a team game. Positioning is key. This is Subbuteo's strength. There's the germ of an interesting game here.

How many will persevere with Subbuteo long enough to appreciate its subtle charms is debatable. If you have no experience of playing 'real' Subbuteo you're likely to find the endless rules, positioning and repositioning of pieces something of a chore. Indeed, because the clock continues to count down while you're pondering your next move, unless you set extremely long match times you'll spend most of the games flicking pieces about. Immediately captivating it ain't.

More to the point, for every one of Subbuteo's strengths five more weaknesses spring up to beat it over the head with a giant club. The game crashes, a lot, for example. The screen freezing up (again) is no reward for dragging yourself to extra time in the knockout rounds. Nor is prematurely ending a semi-final in a penalty shoot-out. Though, as I was playing as England, I probably would have lost anyway. Basically, any time there's a break in the action you find yourself drawing a deep breath and crossing your fingers that the game doesn't lock up. Which is shameful.

Earlier I described the game as 'lo-fi'. I really meant dowdy. The graphics are simply appalling and, because pixel perfect accuracy is required, they hinder your enjoyment in a tangible way. The sound effects are equally dismal. Even Stamford Bridge has a better atmosphere. Truly, this is the Judy to ever every other DS football game's Richard.

Subbuteo is also immensely stingy. Aside from one-off matches you get a World Cup mode. You can also unlock a couple of different stands (the plastic saucers the Subbuteo figures stand on) and an extra ball. There's also a training section, which isn't as newbie friendly as it needs to be. It's all rather pitiful and adds to the impression that the whole thing has been knocked up in a weekend with a bit of four by two. Subbuteo feels like a rushed first draft.

Why would you pay good money for a not very impressive Subbuteo simulation on your DS, when you can get the even better real thing on Ebay for a fiver? Jose Mourinho wouldn't, and neither should you.

Subbuteo DS

A Subbuteo simulation that looks and plays older than the 62 year-old real thing. File under 'missed opportunity'
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