Exclusive: Pocket Gamer has obtained the first few pages of the script for the new Tetris film

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Exclusive: Pocket Gamer has obtained the first few pages of the script for the new Tetris film
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| Tetris

It's always great when we snag an exclusive here at Pocket Gamer, and boy do we have a scoop for you.

After contacting our friends in 'the movie business', we've managed to nab the first pages of the script for the upcoming Tetris motion picture.

It's a pretty rough draft, but it looks like we're in for romance, Russians, muscular men, and plenty of shape-moving.

I for one cannot wait until this cinematic gem hits multiplexes. I might go start queuing now. I'm going. I'm literally going to queue right now.

First Draft
Ext: The Kremlin, night.

Men in big furry hats and large coats stomp around doing Russian things. Their noses are red from cold and vodka. We're establishing that we're in Russia. Once it's established, cut to...

Int: The Kremlin

A corridor lined with pictures of bears and discarded booze bottles

A scientist is running down the corridor. He is flustered. He's waving a piece of paper frantically and gibbering in Russian words. Still doing some establishing, but we're moving on with the plot.

The scientist bursts through a door into a huge office. There's a single massive desk at the far end of the room. It's plush and opulent, and a severe man is sitting behind it. His face is all crags and post-communist anger. It could be that guy who played the baddie in the first season of Fringe.

Russian Prime Minister: Vat iz it? (Everyone is speaking English now so you know there's some plot coming) Scientist: (Out of breath) It'z... It'z... Ve ran ze calculations like you zaid. Zey're coming. Tonight. (Maybe less German sounding than this?)

The Russian Prime Minister drops his glass of Vodka as the camera zooms in on his big craggy, angry face. Like the Siberian north there is no warmth in his features.

Russian Prime Minister: (growling) Tetrominoes.

Cut to...

Ext: California, day

John Everyman, a surfer, teacher, and pro-gamer is relaxing on the beach with his bros. You can tell they're all bros because their T-shirts are off and their impossibly ripped torsos are on show.

Everyman has shoulders that make it look like he's wearing a backpack constantly. He's sipping a cold beer (paid product placement possibility).

The bros are engaging in bro-style conversation about all the amazing things they do. Skydiving, buying hair product, and playing video games. (It's important we establish Everyman is a gamer from the start, and definitely not a nerd).

There's a commotion from behind. A lady is trying to pack her shopping into her car and being hassled by a jobsworth parking attendant. Everyman steps in.

John Everyman: Is there a problem here officer? (sneer the word officer because Everyman doesn't like authority. He could be wearing a T-shirt saying 'I don't like authority' now) Parking officer Nerdlington: Yeah, this broad is double parked, and if she don't move in thirty seconds I'm gonna give her a ticket. Ha. Ha. Ha. (Possible role for Steve Buscemi?) John Everyman: Thirty seconds, 'ey?

Everyman raises an eyebrow and then the Tetris theme tune starts to play. But it's like a dubstep version and the drop comes when he moves the first lump of shopping. Boom. Drop.

Everyman takes the familiarly shaped pieces of shopping and slides them effortlessly into the back of the estate car. It's like watching a poem brought to life, but with moving stuff. Plenty of close-ups on Everyman's sexy physique. I'm thinking Channing Tatum.

The jobsworth nerd looks on in disbelief, his gob wide open, scratching his head. Basically doing things that nerds and losers do when they can't comprehend the works of cool people.

In no time flat the car is full. Everyman pulls a heroic pose and the lady, who's not bad looking but not like A-list material, flutters her eyebrows and swoons. He winks at her, then shakes his head at the nerdy nerd nerd nerd and walks off.

As he walks off he gets a call (I'm thinking Windows Phone for promo, they're pretty desperate). He lifts the phone to his ear, somehow showing the OS and the oversized logo on the back at the same time.

John Everyman: You're go for John Everyman - gamer, surfer, fedora wearer.

We can't hear the voice on the other end of the phone, but Everyman's face suddenly darkens. (Could we use lights for this? Or I guess the absence of lights)

John Everyman: (growling, but with a more righteous anger than that awful Russian man) Tetrominoes.

Cut to...

Ext: Outer space

We're looking at the earth. Specifically the bit of the earth that America is on. Suddenly there's a huge shadow coming in from above. The camera moves in some way (Bay to direct? He moves his camera in the way that the kids love, right?) and we're staring at a vast fleet of shapes.

There are long ones, cube-y ones, ones that are right angles. They're all different colours, but they look totally ominous. Little shapes fly around the big shapes - like those ones are the fighters and the big ones are the mother-ships or something. We'll work out the structure of the alien hierarchy later.

There's also a rumble of engines, even though there's no sound in space.

Cut to...

Ext: California, day

John Everyman back on the beach, he's staring right into the camera, and he's ready. Oh boy is he ready.

John Everyman: It's time to slot a series of shapes together to clear them from a grid. But this time, the grid is the earth! And the price of failure is that the earth won't be there any more!

Roll opening credits.

Harry Slater
Harry Slater
Harry used to be really good at Snake on the Nokia 5110. Apparently though, digital snake wrangling isn't a proper job, so now he writes words about games instead.