5 reasons why Mario on mobile is the WORST IDEA EVER
Mari-NO
Mario is coming to mobile later this year, and it is the WORST IDEA EVER.
It's going to ruin Nintendo, ruin Mario, and - most importantly - ruin MY childhood.
Do you not care about me or my memories, Nintendo?!
Here's five reasons why Super Mario Run is a terrible idea.
5. MicrotransactionsThe first of many reasons is the mere presence of microtransactions. I don't care that I haven't seen what they are, how much they'll cost, or even that they're definitely in the game, I'm mad now God dammit!
How am I supposed to enjoy a Mario game when I have to *pay* for it?!
It's not like I've been spending money on Mario games all these years, is it!
£99.99 for a bunch of 1-Ups? No thanks!
4. It's the first step towards the death of NintendoPokemon GO proved Nintendo games on non-Nintendo platforms just do not work, so why bother trying again? Ninty's games only work on their own, perfectly conventional and wildly successful consoles - the Wii U, for example.
3. It's in portraitI like my Mario how I like my lovers: on a screen, in pure 16:9 aspect ratio.
Anything else is simply WRONG, and shall not be tolerated. Think again, Nintendo.
2. My memories are ruinedMario was a huge part of my childhood. He was like the plumber I never had (my shower is still broken - THANKS NINTENDO).
How am I supposed to remember him for what he is - a blocky, pixelated, old Italian man in four shades of colour - when Nintendo insists on putting this new weird version in front of me?
ON A PHONE, NO LESS.
So every time I try to call my mum or, I dunno, play Clash of Clans, I'm faced with the abomination that is Nu-Mario. I HATE YOU, Nintendo!
1. I no longer have a smartphoneAnswer me this, Nintendo: how am I supposed to play Super Mario Run when YOU forced me into smashing my phone into the ground out of pure anger?! I want my money back!
Screw you and your silly game, I'm gonna go play Super Mario World for the 30th time and moan about it on Twitter.