The Top 5 ways to trash your PSP (or DS, or iPhone...)
Warning: contains extreme portable hardware mutilation
Though most of us sweet angelic pocket gamers would happily throw ourselves in front of heavy speeding traffic to rescue our pocket gaming gizmos from harm's way, there are those out there who have let dark and perverse thoughts poison their mind, turning them into the scourge of the PSP, the DS's bane and the iPhone's cruel tormentor.
To help you identify and avoid these morally bankrupt, soulless societal misfits more easily, we've put together a list of five of the most deplorable villains ever to connect the words 'blender' and 'iPhone' in their depraved, evil-loving minds.
Beware, the following list is not for the faint of heart – there is malicious, sometimes graphic pocket gaming mutilation ahead. You have been warned.
The Top 5 most brutal pocket gaming deaths
In a completely unprovoked attack, this Sony PSP endured a sustained and savage attack before exploding into a shower of pocket gaming confetti. The monster responsible first bound the PSP with DIY-favourite duct tape before attacking its gorgeous display with the claw end of a hammer.
The PSP was then hung by its UMD drive, hurled to the floor, set on fire and then finished off with what looks like a nine iron golf club. The violence evokes the sort of scenes you would typically expect to see Joe Pesci performing in, though even his gruesome characters are more forgiving than this evil whelp.
Incensed Nintendo geek summons superhuman strength to tear a DS in two There's more than a faint whiff of Mark David Chapman about this senseless murder. The unnamed perpetrator was clearly a devoted Nintendo fanboy as evidenced by his Zelda T-shirt and yet he clearly had a very real compulsion to end the life of a Nintendo DS.
This killer had to destroy the object of his obsession and was ruthlessly efficient and callous in doing so. Just watch as he rips his DS in two as effortlessly as though it were a phonebook and he a circus Strong Lady.
Hannibal Lecter's goofy cousin puts iPhone in a blender
It's not strictly a gaming device yet, but the iPhone certainly has gaming firmly penciled in for its future. Not that this iPhone will have a future as it was snatched from it by this mentally unsound sadistic psychopath.
Just look at that fixed grin and cold, dead stare as he takes in every second of the iPhone's torment. At least it didn't suffer for too long – that blender could crush granite by the look of things.
Mad-with-power scientists microwave two Game Boys in dungeon laboratory
Through the conducting of gruesome experiments in a low-budget laboratory with appalling safety conditions, two Game Boys, old and not so old, endured cruel and sustained torture at the hands of psycho scientists.
It seems the perpetrators are motivated by morbid curiosity, rather than a desire to perversely inflict pain on two of pocket gaming's regal elders. Either way, if you're a fan of Nintendo, this should have you quivering like a wet dog in a metal bath during a lightning storm.
N95 bagged and drowned like an unwanted pet
Remember folks, an N95 is for life, not just an 18-month contract. So if you find that it's too much of a handful for your lifestyle, find it a good home instead of selling it to that geezer down the pub for £20.
The alternative is almost too grim to face but we must. Imagine, then, a fate similar to this poor young mobile. The saddest bit is when it gasps its last before letting loose one more flash, a final glimpse of this cruel world.
