Advertisers go mobile mad, Barack Obama sends 2.9 million text messages and actors queue up in Poland to get an Orange iPhone

Kia Ora!

Remember that advert? Of course you do, and I know what you're thinking right now, but I really don't need you to be my dog (I'm too orangey for you). Thanks for the offer, though.

Advertising guru John Webster, who came up with that campaign (along with the Hoffmeister 'Follow the bear' ad and the Smash Martians) used to call adverts "Unwelcome visitors in people's homes". This week, our sister site Pocket Picks has been rife with stories of aggressive advertising – both for our mobile phones, as well as being pushed onto them.

The Polish apparently didn't prostrate themselves at the (imaginary) feet of iPhone as they were supposed to, so licensee Orange reportedly paid actors to form queues outside its stores to try and generate a bit of healthy techno-mania (apparently it hired the casts from prime-time British soap operas since their talents matched the phone giant's acting requirements so closely).

It's evidently unreasonable for consumers to make considered decisions when spending so much money, so we can only hope the Polish nation has seen sense, closed its eyes and opened its wallets for the conglomerates to plunder after this desperate marketing attempt.

But Orange isn't the only one demanding its due hand-out from the inconsiderately thrifty public. Apple itself has had its buttocks reddened after the Advertising Standards Authority chastised it for making broad claims about the iPhone's web browsing capabilities. Embarrassed by the telling off, Apple attempted to dig upwards by saying it only suggested the handset could load the web pages – not necessarily display their contents.

Nokia has been wallowing gleefully in the mud of rumour around the new N85 handset, finally admitting it exists (apparently the manufacturer was the last to know this handset had been developed). It's quicker to list what it doesn't do, so anyone looking to replace their office, games systems, friends, life and nervous system should probably check it out; although that's not as easy as it sounds.

Nokia has adopted the advertising style used extensively by car manufacturers in their cinema commercials; artsy directorial extravagance of culturally savvy people (with more gleaming ivory in their mouths than a polished elephant) being casually hyper-efficient in their everyday lives thanks to their latest purchase, while never actually showing you anything more than a sideways glance at this miraculous, heaven-sent product. Check out the ad here, and see how happy, successful and attractive you could be if only you owned a new phone.

Even the US one-man electoral race has jumped on mobile phones to spread the propaganda as Barak Obama (has no one else noticed how similar this guy's name is to Osama? - only about a million standup comics - Ed) sent a text message to 2.9 million people in an attempt to further broaden his already nuclear smile. Evidently he's also inspired the Northumbrian Probation service, which is going to be sending out text messages to their probates to remind them of their legal obligations. Perhaps sending out text messages to the criminal underclass, reminding them that it's not nice to thieve and murder, will help to reduce the number of longterm text messages the Probation Service has to send out?

There's also a torrent of debate brewing over what can be considered acceptable use of proximity marketing over Bluetooth. Naturally advertisers believe that any 'discoverable' phone in a public place is fair game for being pelted with ads, slogans and other viral annoyances, while the Direct Marketing Association believes it should be an 'opt in' system, rather than 'opt out'. Head on over to Pocket Picks and let us know your thoughts on the sanctity of your mobile screen.

Despite this disturbing proliferation of unwelcome visitors on people's mobiles, it's understandable that the corporate world is attempting to make full use of the platform in every way it can after an approximate 305 million handsets were sold in the second quarter of 2008. This number is expected to cross the 1 billion mark come the end of the year, which is the kind of figure any burgeoning business ignores at its peril.

So all honourable marketing intentions aside, the extent companies are going to in order to exploit the advertising potential of the mobile platform – coupled with the ever increasing connectivity and functionality of the handsets themselves – suggests something of a worrying scenario. How long before mobiles are subject to the kind of marketing misuse email suffers from? And can we expect mobile versions of spyware, malware and viruses to begin spreading on the backs of such unwelcome visitors?

Well, probably, yeah. Lock up your handsets, folks. Kia Ora!