Good evening my bleary-eyed friends, and welcome to Boris Johnson's new United Kingdom. The election result was only uttered yesterday morning, but it's fairly dire news for Labour party, great news for Johnson, and bad news for the vast majority of us.
The Conservative Party has handed down a masterful campaign comprised of nothing but Brexit and misinformation, and it has been an overwhelming success, in what is a damning prospect for the future of UK politics and elections.
So, of course, I decided I had to tangentially tie this all back to mobile games. Why not? Let's get down to business and list off the games which may resemble the United Kingdom you know after five years of Tory rule.
Okay, Hospital Tycoon isn't available on mobile, but there are plenty of similar titles. Dream Hospital, Doctor Dash, Operate Now, there are definitely similar options, and they boil down to a similar concept: optimise your hospital so people don't die, and you make loads of money along the way.
See? Not having people die is never enough, you also must be making cash out of the situation. Pesky patients with a serious illness, and no health insurance? Begone, scum! You're too much of a risk, might break our low death rate and we have no idea if we can make bank at the end of it.
Imagine being epileptic, having a seizure, and waking up with a hefty bill because someone was concerned and called an ambulance. A very real situation in countries with private healthcare, and something we should all be cautious of. Also, Zoo Tycoon is way better.
In some ways, the United Kingdom might be more protected in a game of Plague Inc. The fact is, the SNP result in Scotland seems to clearly indicate that Scotland wants independence. Extra checks at the border may well keep illness out. Same for Northern Ireland, and Ireland as a whole - once they are all out of the union, we can feel much safer.
Of course, that is unless the illness starts here. This island will quickly become a quarantine zone of sickness, with few close foreign allies to protect us against the modern black plague.
Not to mention, the NHS will be ill-equipped to help us, and any drugs shipped in from the United States will only be done so under incredibly inflated prices. Can't wait.
But there will be new job opportunities. If you live near the border of Scotland or Northern Ireland, you will be able to work the border. You will double-check papers and identification, justifications, and make your own decisions about who gets past your border.
Sure, terrorists might detonate bombs, and you very well may be damning anyone you turn away to death, but that's none of your business. You have a family to protect. You voted Tory. This is about you, not them.
Papers, Please is the dystopian vision of the future we thought was strictly historical. But at least we've all had practice with processing people like assets instead of humans.
Can you tell when someone is lying? When there is a deeper secret someone is trying to keep from you? Well, most UK voters cannot. Which is exactly why we should've all played Telling Lies, Sam Barlow's FMV detective game.
You are tasked with moving through a wealth of intimate webcam footage like a creepy NSA employee, and you can watch the conversation from each side, but only one side at a time. Only getting half the story makes things difficult, and piecing these conversations together unveils the truth.
A bit like how you can unveil the truth behind the Conservatives and the Brexit Party teaming up to destabilise the working-class Labour vote when you see interviews of Nigel Farage on the BBC shortly after the Exit Poll was announced.
Disaster: Day of Crisis
Okay, this one isn't actually a mobile game at all, but the name felt too fitting so it's here anyway.
Disaster: Day of Crisis' titular crisis is actually a bit more 2012 than political collapse, but it certainly feels like the end of the world if you're on the left side of politics in the UK.
In the game, you will find yourself struggling to survive cataclysmic natural disasters, while also fending off apocalyptic terrorists that roam the streets. Sound familiar?
As I said, this isn't a mobile game, but given Boris Johnson's refusal to appear at the Climate Change Debate, and the fact a terrorist incident has already happened during his thus-far short term as Prime Minister, despite Conservatives being in power for nine years already… Well, the parallels are pretty strong, is all I'm saying.
And for the record: I feel way better for having all of this out of my system.