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Everyone loves a good argument. Arguments are the cornerstone of civilisation. I'm not even joking. All of the words I use in this column are deadly serious. I refuse to engage in bants, because these columns are important.

In fact, they might be the most important thing that has ever appeared on the internet. And this one is probably the deepest, the most engaging, and by far the most spectacular piece of content that any of you have ever laid eyes upon.

Because in this hot take, I am going to delve deep into my heat resources and decide, once and for all, which is the best mobile phone. Is it the iPhone? Is it one of those Android devices? Or is it the wild card? Let's find out.

How it works

I'm going to use a series of scientific methods, spread across a number of different disciplines, in order to decide which of the phones is the best ever. I'll deal with all the aspects of phone ownership, from how long the phone lasts, to the feel of the device in your hand.

I've devised a fool-proof scoring system, based on one of the most complex algorithms humankind has yet to fathom, to make sure that my take here is the definitive one. The decision made here will never, ever, be superseded.

  • iPhone: I've had a lot of iPhones, and I can tell you that my hectic, globe-trotting life certainly takes its toll on them. Their are iPhone corpses scattered around my flat in various states of decay. I think out of all of them, my iPhone 7 has lasted the longest.
  • Android: I broke two Android phones on my first day of owning them. I once knew someone whose Samsung got so hot when it was charging you couldn't actually pick it up. That said, I've sold more second hand Android phones than Android phones, so that's definitely going to be taken into consideration.
  • Wild card: The wild card is the Nokia 5110. It was the first phone I ever had. It lasted for years. It got sat on. It got dropped. I spent a year turning it on and off with a pen after the power button fell off. I expect it still works now.
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  • iPhone: Way too much.
  • Android: Can get them for cheap, but still too expensive.
  • Wild card: I can't imagine a Nokia 5110 setting you back much more than a few quid nowadays. In fact, check the bins outside your house, there might be one in there right now.
  • iPhone: You can get a gold iPhone, and probably a red one sometimes? I think I had a pink one for a bit. But you get one, and that's it. Oh sure you could get a case, but then the phone looks horrid and clunky. Don't do that.
  • Android: Sort of the same as iPhone. You can get different coloured ones, but they remain those colours for the length of your life. Also no one can see the colour of them because you're holding the coloured bit in your hand.
  • Wild card: Oh my. There's a whole bunch of fascias you can put on the Nokia 5110. There were even a whole bunch of third party ones. I had one that had like a slide on it so it made me feel like I was in The Matrix.
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  • iPhone: Slab.
  • Android: Slab.
  • Wild card: The Nokia 5110 is perfectly sculpted to fit in the human hand.
  • iPhone: Okay, there are a lot of games on the App Store. Some of them are good, some of them are bad, and some of them are imaginary.
  • Android: Same. But some of the games on the Google Play Store will just put viruses on your phone, which you do not want.
  • Wild card: Snake.

Final result

The cogs have whirred, the abaci have been slid, the calculators have been turned on and off again, and the result is in. Drum roll please.

  • iPhone: 8.7
  • Android: 7.6
  • Wild card: Like a million