The Buzz: Grand Borrow Car
This week, The Bee casts his compound eye over the GTA furore
The Bee must first apologise. I have already written about video games with violence controversy. And I have already written about angry lawyer Mr Jack Thompson. Now Grand Theft Auto IV is out and I have no choice, I must write about both one more time!
The Bee feels as there has been the apocalypse! Boom! Before it was even sent out, three postage workers were given the fire for delivering this game to their trousers. A Lancashire England teenager was also mugged to have his copy and a San Diego America man sprayed mace at shop assistants to steal three copies of GTA IV from them.
What is mace? I will give you a clue: it is not a kind of perfume. It hurts so much.
A pupil with Eyemouth High School Scotland said his school was "deserted" with pupils absent to play GTA IV. The Guardian Peter Lyle made a new word "pornoviolence". And of course our friend Jack Thompson has said GTA IV is "pornographic" (that is true) it is "available to minors" (that is not) and also "the gravest assault upon children in this country since polio."
That is just offence.
Mr Thompson also sent for website Game Politics a picture of himself that I wish you to click here and see. With it he sent a subject line 'evidence' that nobody can understand.
This is not all. If you look yourself the blog o' sphere is exploding with debate and wild accusing! Rockstar 1, critical 0! Boom!
Now I must apologise finally that I have also already written about bad film director Uwe Boll and now I will write again, not about him, however at him: Mr Boll, I am writing a script to a film of Grand Theft Auto. It will prove to critics that Grand Theft Auto can also work innocent and hysterical comedy.
I title my film 'Grand Borrow Car'. Here is one scene.
Scene 1: Black screen. Noises of outside, cars driving and honking, hospital truck sirens. Close with microphone, noise of scrape on metal and a man's grunting like he is trying to Theft an Auto. Five seconds go past until there is the sound of a different man's shoes walking. Black dissolves. Camera dollies at the ground to follow the feet. He is a police. He stops walking near the grunting man.
Police: Sir, I have a question may I ask you?
Grunting man: Of course, please ask me.
Police: Thank you. Are you trying to jack this car?
Grunting man: Yes.
An old lady in the car lows down the robot window.
Old lady: I have a flat tyre.
Grunting man: Which I am changing it. With a jack!
Police: I thought that. May I help with you?
Grunting man and old lady together: Yes please!
They laugh. Camera dollies up.
Here is another scene:
Man is running on the road. One car stops. The man runs for the driving side door and opens the door.
Man: May I borrow the car?
Driver: I apologise but of course you cannot borrow my car.
Man: I must buy shopping for a nun. She is my acquaintance.
Driver: You can go with the bus.
Man: I cannot. There are no busses in Liberty City remember!
Driver (shouting backwards): I apologise. You cannot borrow my car.
Man (shouting at the car): Thank you anyway!
I hope Mr Boll will agree with The Bee to make this film.
I will tell you next week if he says yes. Bye!
The Bee is an industry insider who has fed on the nectar of over three decades' worth of gaming. All opinions expressed are the author's own.