Game Reviews

Driver Speedboat Paradise

Star onStar onStar offStar offStar off
Driver Speedboat Paradise

I can't beat Spek, the douchebag speedboat kingpin of Miami. But, in my defence, his boat literally moves faster than mine so I'm not sure what you want from me.

Well, I do. I'm supposed to hop back on the water and replay old races, slowly earning money and randomised ship parts, and upgrading my boat until it can compete with Spek's specced out speedboat.

But when the actual driving's this dull, can I really be bothered?

Wet wet wet

It seems fun at first, as your speedboat bobs over choppy simulated waves and does impossible flips in the middle of impossible jumps. There's a bit of Burnout to it, too, as you take out other drivers by shunting into their boats mid-boost.

But it's all too slow and meandering, and if it's fair to criticise a game set on the water for being floaty then I guess it's a bit floaty.

Plus, there's simply not a huge amount of skill involved as you glide around mile-wide corners and tank along long stretches of wet nothing. It comes down to stats and specs - as it to be expected by F2P games that are driven by spreadsheets.

Splish splash

And even if you can muster up the enthusiasm to enter these races (and these time trials and cop-dodging elimination rounds and CSR Racing-inspired drag races), you'll find that they are surrounded by a never-ending ocean of free to play guff.

Every monetisation tactic you can think of is here. There are wait timers, an annoyingly stingy energy system, those pesky limited time deals, various coin doublers, your standard daily challenges, and even a Cookie Clicker type thing where you automatically accrue money.

But don't forget to empty your safe when it fills up! It's player retention 101.

Water way to go

And if that doesn't bore you, then just wait until you start grabbing 'fans' - bimbos in bikinis who are impressed by your garbage one-liners, ugly clothes, and designer condos.

The entire lifestyle subsystem, where you spend money on electric guitars and Hawaiian shirts to win over ladies in g-strings is almost impressively vapid. It would be a biting parody, if it wasn't so damn earnest.

And if you can get past the free to play annoyances, the dull driving bits, and the deeply dumb female characters, then I guess you and Driver Speedboat Paradise deserve each other.

Driver Speedboat Paradise

Speedboat Paradise is equally uninspiring and unpleasant, and the tiresome races simply aren't worth all the grinding and waiting