Elite Four Ric Cowley - Snorlax
The Pokémon designs make me sick. That fluffy Pikachu is just weird and gross and I hate it. It reminds me of Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr Fox which also made me incredibly uncomfortable.
It's like everything is a worn-out doll from the 1800's or something, cursed to walk the land and talk demonic nonsense at people. Truly, truly awful.
But weirdly, that's what I like about it. There's a very weird neo-noir vibe running through Detective Pikachu, and while it might still be a kid's film, it's fascinating to see that there's a darkness coursing through everything you see on screen.
And that includes the gross furry Pokémon which are definitely going to haunt my dreams for eternity.
I just hope Aubrey doesn't try and get that horrible Mr. Mime gif that he keeps posting on Twitter in here. That's seriously effed up.
Gym Leader Harry Slater - Onix
What, did you think that Pikachu was some sort of smooth, fur-free creature? Of course Pikachu is a fuzzy little scamp, he’s an electric mouse - that means he can fire electricity out of his butt, and also that he’s covered head-to-toe in luxurious yellow fluff. That’s canon mother flippers, you can smash a goog on it if you don’t believe me.
This is a creature that can store electricity in its cheery red cheeks, and when you get a bunch of them together they cause lightning storms - but fuzz is the problem you have?.
Also, and perhaps most importantly, Pikachu, like all of the rest of the Pokémon, does not exist.
The trailer for Detective Pikachu does exist though, and it’s definitely the best game-movie trailer we’ve seen in a long while (Pixels, I am glaring at you with the sort of wasted rage that I can usually put to one side, but that I find impossible to shake when considering your nonsense). It’s funny, it’s adorable, and it looks like it gets the feel of Pokémon just right.
Also, how good is Ryan Reynolds? Wait, what was the question? Oh yeah, cute or horrifying. I watched the trailer for Detective Pikachu and it made my heart feel good about pumping blood around my body for a change. So cute, I guess?
Bug Catcher Jon Mundy - Jigglypuff
Pika, taken from the noise the Japanese think electricity makes, and also the informal name of Ochotona Minora, a small furry mammal. Chu, from the noise the Japanese think a mouse makes.
They might be wrong on the whole sound-alike front, but that's not really the point. The point is that Pikachu is supposed to resemble a small furry creature.
That doesn't mean that Pikachu absolutely has to be furry, of course. But it does mean that the film makers' hairy stance is wholly justifiable.
A furry Jigglypuff, on the other hand, is all kinds of wrong. What were they thinking?
Youngster Dave Aubrey - Mr Mime
So, right, my issue with Pikachu is that he looks a bit greasy. Like, fluffy, yeah, but you know those dogs that almost leave a dirty feeling on your hand after petting them? He looks like that. Like he's been living in a gutter or something. I just can't get behind that.
And then there's Mr Mime. With his freakish, massive fleshy face, vinyl shoulder pads, and then some disgusting horned growths, just... I can't. I can't, okay?
But also, this feels like a best case scenario for live action Pokémon. No, I mean, fluffy Pikachu is cute. I just don't want to touch him. Also, he's got, like, a super defined forehead? Like, you can see skin folds moving underneath that fur. It's unnerving. The glassy eyes they all have too.
Jigglypuff, meanwhile... Fur is better than the alternative, but, just, no.
Anyway yeah I'm really looking forward to watching it.
Picnicker Emily Sowden - Eevee
Before the trailer came out I thought the idea of a Detective Pikachu movie was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, even with Ryan Reynolds cast as Pikachu - though Danny Devito will always hold a special place in my heart.
After it aired, however, I came to loathe myself a little bit. For all of my snide comments, all of my eye-rolls and eyebrow raises and subtle laughter in the face of drips of news, one watch of the trailer and I knew for a fact I'd go on day one to see it.
Are the Pokemon creepy? I guess a little bit, but I want to squeeze every last one of them, even the Jigglypuff. And Mr Mime has so much sass in his long-limbed body, I already know I'll be releasing more than one dirty cackle throughout the screening.