For this week’s Freaky Friday column, we’ve plumbed the very deepest depths of the Android Market and found an app that does almost exactly what you’d expect an app called Pocket Girlfriend to do as it puts a girlfriend in your pocket. Except it doesn’t, because real girls don’t fit in pockets. Trust me, in the interests of fact checking, I tried.

Pocket Girlfriend instead turns your smartphone into a dull peep show, that shows the same girl writhing around therotically on a loop. You can change the costume she wears, depending on what sort of date you’re taking her on. One of the costumes has nipple tassles. Exciting.

Of course, because this is Pocket Girlfriend and not Pocket Pervert, you can also talk to your digital better half. She’ll reply with any one of a number of toe curlingly misogynistic lines about sport or beer or sex or how wonderful a boyfriend you are. Maybe Pocket Ego Massager would be a better name.

In a bizarre twist of inter-dimensional wizardry, the app also gives you a link to the twitter feed of the model who roleplays as your girlfriend. It’s at that point that things start to get ever so slightly stalker-y. Bored of watching a woman you’ll never meet wiggle around provocatively, then why not go find out what she had for breakfast this morning…

If you’re the sort of person who thinks that interpersonal relationships are a massive chore, or who finds themselves incapable of talking to anyone due to crippling shyness, then you still shouldn’t download Pocket Girlfriend. In fact, if you’re anyone, you probably shouldn’t download it.

Even if it wasn’t for the creepy overtones, Pocket Girlfriend would deserve its place in our breakdown of the bizarre; the word girlfriend has never been so utterly misused. If the developers had been honest and called it Pocket Gyrating Model That You’ll Look At Once, Be A Bit Disappointed With And Then Uninstall, then it wouldn’t be quite so upsetting. Maybe that name was just too long, who knows?

Pocket Girlfriend is available now on the Android Market.