Jake, what are you doing on Love Island?
Like, I'm not trying to be mean, I think you're a lovely guy and everything, but - your description literally says you have known heartbreak. Like, come on, is Love Island your rebound phase? Really mate?
He seems confident enough in himself, and could certainly be a friendly guy, but if he's going to get mopey and clingy somewhere down the line, will it be worth it?
Though, he is a chef. Food is good. That's an important factor to note.
Oh, now, here we go.
Sure, yeah, he's pulling a pose, has those minuscule shorts on so he can show off that oblique taper, he's a cocky bugger, but damn. Cheesegrater abs my friends. Cheesegrater abs.
He's a musician and an underwear model, so you know he both has a soul and keeps in shape. Incredible.
It all seems perfect until you realise his favourite food is Love Hearts. What? The sweet? The candy pellet things? Mate you best not deliver those to me on Valentine's Day instead of a steak dinner otherwise you're out.
Where do we even start. Yeah sure, he's from Glasgow, he's got that lovely strong accent, tells you that you're a "gawjus lassie" and all that, but what's going on with that hair mate? And that terrible stubble? Deary me.
Also, body tattoos are excellent but mate, ugh, what's going on? Amateur hour. If you can't take pride in the artist you choose, what even is the point?
Nice shorts though. I guess. And he wants to build a house. But will likely pull a cowboy builder and decide to leave the job half done, explaining that it’s okay to live in a shack.
Get the hell out of here Tim.
Tim is from Truro. Cornwall. Can you believe that? Ugh, just, let's not get started on bloody Cornwall.
He's a DJ. Right. DJ. Listen, if your mate is the manager at the club and let's you pick the Spotify playlist, you're not a DJ, you get me? That's blatant false advertising.
Not only that my friends, he describes himself as a "genius". Do we need pseudo intellects on Love Island? No thanks. You're out of here.
Plus, he sulked when I didn't give him attention. Not attractive.
Another potential where it was all going so well.
To start, the hair. Beautiful. Confident. I can't help but adore it, so very strong. That's a good first impression.
He's a financial advisor. Warning alarms. He mentions he's into fine dining and classic cars, which shows because he clearly has the cash the splash, but it hints that he's not willing to splash any of that cash on you. Terrible.
Plus, Instagram Stalking? Mate, absolutely not.
Levi is incredibly brave. But he's clearly not here for love.
Do you see those shorts? Those are SHORT shorts, my friends. That bulge? Bravery given phallic form. And he's a professional water polo player - sure, water polo, like, who cares, right? But he's a professional athlete. Good body all year round.
But then, his friends call him Romeo. Yep, couple that with those provocative shorts and we know he's not looking for love, he wants a good time with as many lovely ladies as possible. Well, you're not getting at my lovely lady lumps, mate.
So, the best pick? Depends. If you want to settle down Mason looks good, but if you're more interested in a tropical fling, then maybe Levi is a better pick.