Harry's hot takes banner

Someone just explained to me that today is Star Wars day. Something to do with it being May the fourth. I'll be honest, I don't get it. That doesn't sound like anything I remember from Star Wars. Did they even have a calendar in Star Wars?

Did Obi Wan Kenobi ever stop in the middle of doing Jedi stuff to check he hadn't missed anyone's birthday? Maybe it's from the director's cuts. I never watch those. Everyone knows that the final decision over what goes into a film should rest on the shoulders of the suits back at headquarters who have no artistic integrity. That's showbusiness.

Anyway, because I like being relevant, and on the ball, I thought today I should do a hot take about something Star Wars-related. So that's precisely what I'm going to do. And because I've waffled on for far too long at the start of this piece, I'm going to state the hot take, then get on with taking the heat.

Hot take: You should have to buy Luke Skywalker in all Star Wars Games.

Luke Skywalker is the best

You shouldn't automatically assume that, when you buy or download a game, you're going to get the best bit straight away. That doesn't make any sense. If you get the very best thing at the start of the game, what would be the point of the rest of the game.

It's like having your pudding first. You're not allowed to have your pudding first, because then you're not going to get all the nutrition and vegetables of your main course. You need all that horrid stuff to stay alive, and the pudding at the end is a delicious sweet treat to make you forget the terrifying meaningless of life.

Subscribe to Pocket Gamer on

You don't deserve Luke Skywalker

Luke Skywalker is, quite frankly, too good for you. What makes you think you deserve to have Luke Skywalker? Is it because you got Luke Skywalker for free in the films? Is it because you got Luke Skywalker free in the Special Edition Boxset?

No. You didn't. You had to pay. And so you have to pay to get him in games too. Maybe more, because of your behaviour towards Luke Skywalker in recent times. You know what I'm talking about. You know what you did. Shame on you.

Luke Skywalker is OP

Look at all the other characters in the Star Wars universe. What have they done? Compared to Luke Skywalker, basically nothing. I'm going to spoil some stuff in the next paragraph, so if you don't want spoilers, avoid reading it.

Splong Pahooty never did anything, he just got devoured by the multi-tentacled night monster on the moon of Clov. Flomp Cartsspooter shot one storming troop, and then fell in an elevator shaft. The only character who even comes close is Kevin Jones, who crashed a Tie-fighter into George Lucas.

Subscribe to Pocket Gamer on

Luke got all the action

Remember Empire Strikes Back? Where Luke kissed the princess? He was the main player in the whole of the saga. He got mad smooch moves from that princess, then he laid back and was all 'aw yeah check me out.'

Wait. Hang on. Was...? Because later in the film, it turned out...? There is ANOTHER Skywalker? Yoda said that. HOLY MOLY. People, I've just discovered something truly horrible about the original Star Wars trilogy. I can't type it here, I'll save it for another piece, because this is going to blow your mind.

No one cares about you, only your money

I'm sorry to be the one that breaks it to you, but no one makes entertainment in order to please you. That's a nice by-product, for sure, and it's better for them if you do like it. But in the end, developers, film-makers, and everyone else, just want you to give them money.

Think of it this way. You go to a pub, you order a drink, you pay for the drink. You probably don't like the taste of the drink, but you drink it anyway, because you're an alcoholic. Well, Luke Skywalker in games is like that drink. No one cares if you like Luke Skywalker when you buy him, they just care that you bought him.

And if you don't buy him? Well there's probably enough other people in the world who will, because the developers will have done psychological research into their audience in order to ascertain the price point and style of purchase and who it will appeal to you.

I guess what I'm saying is this - everything is awful, everything is controlled by enormous companies who don't care if you live or die, and it's all our fault because we allowed the world to be taken over by the worst forms of capitalism.

Or, as Yoda might say - "Buy or buy not, there is no discount."