(Editor's note 1: Harry is currently being questioned about what he refers to as "the incident". While he's away, he's asked YouTube personality and gaming legend CryptoKiller69667 to stand in for him)(Editor's note 2: CryptoKiller69667's real name is Clive, and we've swapped out every utterance of CryptoKiller69667 to reflect that. We've also removed all of Clive's blatant attempts at mentioning the brands that sponsor him, as well as anything to do with "the incident")
(Editor's note 3: We're all very sorry about this)
WHAT UP Y'ALL, it's your boy CLIVE here. My number one bro Harry has asked me to come in and do his column while he's being questioned about the incident.
What's the incident? Well it's when Harry [redacted] with some [redacted]s, pulled off a few [redacted]s and ended up [redacted]ing a pile of [redacted]s all the way into the [redacted]. Man it was sick.
But the big H has told me I can write about whatever I want, so I'm gonna smash you in the face with my truth fist and let you know that the Nintendo Switch is a console for mouth breathers and snowflakes.
It's the worst thing that's happened since feminism, and I'm saying that as an alpha. All you betas better step up to the plate and pay attention, otherwise you're never gonna ascend to my level of awesomeness.
The CLIVE level, as I like to call it. And if you can't handle these jokes, then you need a sense of humour transplant, cos I'm just keeping it real.
Oh, and remember that if you want to be as wicked as I am, you need to drink [redacted], eat new [redacted] flavour [redacted]s, and use [redacted] brand gaming chairs. Just telling it like it is, you feel me?
Fun is for jerks
Games shouldn't be about fun. When I'm slamming down a [redacted] with my boys, I don't want to be having fun. I want to be full on slaughtering everything in my path.
I want to be so in the killing zone that I become part of the killing zone. I want the killing zone to look at me as its own killing zone, you know what I mean?
Bright colours suck, every game should be brown and grey. And there's so much indie crap on the Switch nowadays too. Walking simulators? Inclusive games? None of that is what gaming's about. Gaming's about pwning noobs and some other stuff probably I guess. Eat [redacted], stay shwifty.
Outside is for prank videos
The only reason I go outside is to play sick pranks on dweebs. God pranks are the best. I once made a girl at a gaming con cry. You don't get ten million views on YouTube without breaking a few eggs, if you know what I mean.
So no, I don't care if I can leave my mansion to go and play the Switch on the train like some total loser on the way to work. This is work. This right here. This and counting up all my money and smacking my bros in the dick when they're not expecting it.
There's no Switch [redacted] brand gaming chair
When I'm gaming, I only sit on a [redacted]. If your butt touches something else then you're not gaming at all. You're just waiting to die with all the other plebs who didn't somehow manage to capture the crest of a wave of offence and irreverence and become role models for a generation of impressionable minds.
The new [redacted], the [redacted]X is the only chair that comes with the CLIVE seal of approval. I don't have sofas in my crib, it's just full of [redacted]Xs and 90 inch plasma displays. And a car. There's a car in my house, what have you ever done with your life?Switch games aren't CLIVEcore
Sure you've got the hardcore, but compared to the CLIVEcore they're nothing. They're less than nothing. You know that prank video where I set a homeless guy on fire? The one that got me banned from YouTube for two days? Yeah well to the CLIVEcore, hardcore gamers are that homeless guy.
Oh, and if anyone complains about anything I've said here, I'm going to set the CLIVEcore on them. I can say what I want, that's free speech. And if you disagree with me I'll turn an angry army of rabid, scared, confused, internet savvy young men on you. Because free speech. My free speech.
(Editor's note 4: To be honest this part of the column was so offensive, and so full of references to the products that CLIVE is trying to push, we thought it was best to just get rid of it completely)
Nintendo didn't pay me
Let's talk about ethics here. I'm a multimillionaire. I could wipe my ass on your salary and still have more money than some nations.
So when I approached Nintendo to promote the Switch, and the big wigs there told me to do one, I was so angry. Because it's just another massive corporation stepping on the little guy.
So yeah, Switch sucks, until Nintendo pays me to say otherwise. Stand up for gamer's rights, make sure you like and subscribe, CLIVEcore for life. Peace.(Editor's note 5: I honestly never thought I'd say this, but I hope Harry's back next week)