What's that coming over the hill? Is it a reference to an outdated song? No, it's a steaming new batch of hot takes, fresh out of the opinion oven and delivered directly to your brain mouth via the medium of the internets.
Monster Hunter World might be making headlines left, right, and centre, but quite frankly it's a garbage game for complete reprobates and anyone playing it deserves your scorn.
Because we all know that the best way to play Monster Hunter is Monster Hunter Freedom Unite for mobile.
Actually we don't all know that, but being the fearless journalist that I am, I've created a list to scientifically prove, once and for all, and with no room for error, that Monster Hunter Freedom Unite is the best version of Monster Hunter.
Hot takes, ASSEMBLE!
Mobile games are just better
It's a well-known fact that any game that isn't on mobile is worthless. You have to go in a shop to buy them, those shops often smell, and the hooligans behind the counter will take fifty quid of your money in exchange for something that's essentially a drinks mat waiting to happen.
Just because things are more expensive, that doesn't mean they're better. It's like wine. Everyone thinks that expensive wine is better, but actually it's all just the same swill and only pretentious people think they can tell the difference.
Some people think that more graphics is better. They're wrong, and I'm going to tell you why. The human brain can only comprehend so many graphics at once. Throw in too many graphics and all the graphics blur into one big, indiscernible graphic.
Monster Hunter Freedom Unite has, at most, seven graphics. There's a lot of sand, dirt, and grass, then some graphics for the monster and some graphics for the player. That's more than enough graphics and anyone who says otherwise didn't read the first paragraph properly.
Buttons are rubbish
Oh look at you, playing a game with your buttons. Wow, what kind of casual player are you? If a control scheme is easy to use, and has ridges and lumps that show you where your fingers and thumbs need to go, then you're basically riding a bike with the training wheels on.
The only real, authentic way to play a game is without any of that. The smooth surface or your phone or tablet is a true test of how hardcore you are. If you've got enormous hands then you're the most hardcore, because you can't see what's going on either.
If someone on the street screams in your face that you're not very good at Monster Hunter, which happens more often than you might think, with Freedom Unite you can just whip out your phone and literally rub their face in your mighty armour and weapons.
What are you going to do if you've only got the console version? Invite a stranger to your house? A stranger who just shouts random things at people in the street? Monster Hunter World is a dangerous game if it's suggesting people should do that. Which it clearly is.My friend was playing Monster Hunter World and then he exploded
True story. My mate Dave was playing Monster Hunter World, and he thought he was having a nice time. Then we didn't see him for days. It turned out he literally exploded. Chunks of gore and viscera flew off him and slopped all over his bedsit.
Don't be like Dave. Be sensible. Play the non-exploding version of Monster Hunter and make sure that you're safe from ending up as a slush of meat and bodily fluids coating the walls of a small room.Want more of Harry's hot takes? Well here's last week's column about dogs and mobile games