Nintendo Labo got announced this week. It's a mash up of a Blue Peter make-it-yourself robot and a dystopian glimpse into a future when all metals have been sequestered by our alien overlords. Probably to make spiky things to impale us on.
And sure it's nice and it harks back to an era of creativity lost in a haze of grey gun men shooting other grey gun men, but there are some big questions here that no one's asking.
That's okay though, because I'm the sort of person who asks big questions. In fact, I don't just ask them, I shout them until someone either answers them or asks me to stop.
What if it sets on fire?
Imagine the horror. Little Johnny is happily swinging his arms about in a robot suit he made for himself, a visor strapped tight over his gleeful little face. Unbeknownst to him though, his robo-smashing leads him dangerously close to an aroma-therapy candle your sister bought you because she's terrible at buying gifts.
Suddenly Johnny is an inferno, his cardboard suit little use against the terrifying flames that have burst out from the patchouli-scented death trap. Johnny is dead. Your house is on fire. And it's all Nintendo's fault.What if I'm allergic to cardboard?
There might be people out there who are allergic to cardboard. Their lives are already hell. Whenever they get an Amazon delivery of a new hat or whatever, their throats are going to swell up and they're going to get covered in hives.
Simply getting through the day to day misery of existence is bad enough for these weirdoes, but now Nintendo has literally made a thing that mocks them at every turn. Do you want to have fun, you cardboard-fearing loser? Well you can't, so go and cry in a corner.How many paper cuts can a human survive?
You only have a small amount of blood in your body. Seriously, it's like a couple of pints or something. I can't be bothered to Google it, but that sounds about right. One paper cut you might be able to survive. But seven? More than seven?
All I'm saying is that the Labo has the potential to be a lacerating death machine if you're not careful with it. Do you really want your children or your children of any age playing with something that can basically flay the skin from their bones? DO YOU?
What if a wasp makes a nest in the piano?
Everyone loves music and small pianos. But if all humans love these things, maybe all wasps do as well. There's no way to know, because we can't talk to wasps because they're evil little stingy gits who want to kill us.
Now imagine a piano filled with those buzzing psychopaths. They get in through a hole, make a nest, and then when you sit down to have a plinky plonk they swarm out to protect their domain. Within seconds you've been stung to death and you didn't even get a chance to play chopsticks. The horror. The horror.
What if the gun comes alive and you accidentally shoot someone?
We all know that guns are killers. But are all guns killers? What about harmless cardboard guns made by loveable children who just want to have a lovely time? I for one wouldn't like to find out the hard way. It might go something like this.
"What are you playing little Jenny?" "Metroid on the Labo, dear mother." "That sounds nice OH JESUS CHRIST I HAVE BEEN SHOT BY CARDBOARD BULLETS AND NOW MY INSIDES ARE FLYING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE. OH THE HUMANITY." A sobering thought.
What if I don't want it?
I mean, think about it. What if something has been designed for other people. What if those other people aren't like me, and find their enjoyment in different ways? Isn't that incredibly prejudice against people like me?
What if I decide that Labo is stupid and for kids and Nintendo has ruined my entire life? And then I go on social media and tell everyone that Labo is stupid and anyone who likes it deserves to die? Does that make me a bad person? Or does it make all the other people, including Nintendo, bad? I think we know who the real victim is here.What if I don't have enough shelves? Or a Switch?
Where am I going to put Labo if I don't have enough shelves? All of my shelves are covered with other things. And how am I going to play on it if I don't have a Switch? Do I have to buy a Switch as well as this add-on for the Switch?
And where am I going to get new shelves from? If I leave Labo on the floor, unplayed because I don't have a Switch, I'll probably stand on it. And I don't have a Switch. Or enough shelves. Those egg-heads at Nintendo just haven't done the maths right. Guh. Egg-heads.