A pirate ship on wheels rolls past, my target flashes over it and I let rip, chasing the boaty car so I can steal all of its crowns when it explodes.
This is Crash of Cars, and it wants to be every bit as ridiculous as I just made it sound. Unfortunately though, it doesn't quite manage to pull it off.
Understanding in a car crashThe aim of the game is simple. You're driving around an arena that's filled with weapons and crowns. The more crowns you collect, the more coins you'll earn when someone blows you up.
You can spend these coins on new cars. So the better you play, the more vehicles you're going to be able to choose from.
Think of it a bit like Crossy Road meets Slither.io at a Micro Machines convention hosted by someone who didn't really understand Burnout and you're about three quarters of the way there.
But there's something quite important missing here, and that's mayhem. You should be cackling like a loon as you play the game, smashing into cars left right and centre.
You've got no control over the speed of your car. Tap a button on the right to go right and one on the left to go left.
When you've got a weapon another button pops up. Tap on that and you'll fire a volley of rockets or drop a mine, depending on what you've managed to pick up.
The whole thing feels a little slow, and a little, perish the thought, sensible. Where chaos should reign, sometimes Crash of Cars feels like a sedate Sunday drive down a scenic route.
There are moment of madness, and when you start to unlock faster and sillier cars, things do get more interesting. But for a good long while you're just sort of pootling along.
Toot toot
I really wanted to love Crash of Cars, but it mainly left me cold. There's a compulsion loop here, and you will want to see what cars you unlock, but eventually you'll tire of the grind.
Briandrives did some damage, and he collected some coins, but in the end I just didn't care enough to keep blowing up ice cream trucks and stealing their loot. Even if I was a hot dog.