The Vita has a collection of bizarre titles, like Valkyrie Drive: Bhikkhuni, that you probably don't want to be seen playing in public.

But where are the worst places to be caught playing the gropey lesbian brawler? I took to the streets to find out.

In the living room of your flat

I decided to skip the whole Story Mode nonsense and get right down to what this game was clearly built for: Dressing Room mode.

Without any clothes to change into, since I hadn't played the game, I instead jumped into the part of the game where you incessantly grope young women against their will to increase their "Rack Rank".

I decided to take a break. And a long, long shower.
Verdict: At least no one can judge you

Stood up on a very busy train

This wasn't so bad. I couldn't feel my feet, having been jammed up against the train door for thirty minutes while we got a driver, but at least no one was looking at my screen.

The game's Story Mode is mostly made up of fighting armies of robots, groping your partner to turn them into a weapon (of course), and reading endless reams of text trying to justify Valkyrie Drive's own existence.

It's actually not terrible. Combat is mostly quite basic, with a few advanced mechanics that you'll likely never use. There's collectibles to keep you distracted, and hidden levels to tackle. My legs began to give out an hour later.

Verdict: Physically painful but not too shameful

Sat down on a less busy train

Like an idiot, I decided to check out the Heart Catch mode while sat at a table with three women.

Heart Catch sees you touching hearts once they've filled up, all while your chosen character lies around in their underwear moaning and groaning as you touch each one.

None of the women looked over at me. I kept my Vita close to my chest anyway, just in case.

Verdict: Oh God never again

On a Japanese Bullet Train at York Railway Museum

Where better to play a Japanese game than in a train found exclusively in Japan?

Anywhere, as it turns out. Small children ran up and down the aisles, curiously glancing over as I tore clothes of anime girls by punching them too much.

None of them tried to ask me any questions, thankfully. A man did decide to have a decidedly racist rant about Japanese train design, however. I left shortly after he started.

Verdict: Makes you weep for humanity

In bed with my girlfriend



"Please stop playing this stupid game."


"It's just the same thing over and over. You're just beating up girls for no reason. And the story bits take forever to get through. And it's one in the morning."

"Aren't you offended by the depiction of women?"

"It's all a bit contrived. It's trying way too hard."

"You might have a point there, you know."

Verdict: Eye opening