Mario is coming to mobile later this year, and it is the WORST IDEA EVER.

It's going to ruin Nintendo, ruin Mario, and - most importantly - ruin MY childhood.

Do you not care about me or my memories, Nintendo?!

Here's five reasons why Super Mario Run is a terrible idea.

5. Microtransactions New Super Mario Bros. 2

The first of many reasons is the mere presence of microtransactions. I don't care that I haven't seen what they are, how much they'll cost, or even that they're definitely in the game, I'm mad now God dammit!

How am I supposed to enjoy a Mario game when I have to *pay* for it?!

It's not like I've been spending money on Mario games all these years, is it!

£99.99 for a bunch of 1-Ups? No thanks!

4. It's the first step towards the death of Nintendo Super Mario Run

Pokemon GO proved Nintendo games on non-Nintendo platforms just do not work, so why bother trying again? Ninty's games only work on their own, perfectly conventional and wildly successful consoles - the Wii U, for example.

3. It's in portrait Super Mario Run

I like my Mario how I like my lovers: on a screen, in pure 16:9 aspect ratio.

Anything else is simply WRONG, and shall not be tolerated. Think again, Nintendo.

2. My memories are ruined Super Mario World

Mario was a huge part of my childhood. He was like the plumber I never had (my shower is still broken - THANKS NINTENDO).

How am I supposed to remember him for what he is - a blocky, pixelated, old Italian man in four shades of colour - when Nintendo insists on putting this new weird version in front of me?


So every time I try to call my mum or, I dunno, play Clash of Clans, I'm faced with the abomination that is Nu-Mario. I HATE YOU, Nintendo!

1. I no longer have a smartphone

Answer me this, Nintendo: how am I supposed to play Super Mario Run when YOU forced me into smashing my phone into the ground out of pure anger?! I want my money back!

Screw you and your silly game, I'm gonna go play Super Mario World for the 30th time and moan about it on Twitter.

Want more? Check out our 15 other Super Mario Run features!