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Forget Jurassic World's genetically modified dino - the 11 strangest dinosaurs on iOS

They didn't stop to think if they should...

Forget Jurassic World's genetically modified dino - the 11 strangest dinosaurs on iOS
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iOS
| Jurassic World

Forget Jurassic World - the one place bursting uncontrollably at the seams with prehistoric monsters is the App Store. Everywhere you look there's another green-skinned dino lurking, ready to tear out your throat or hurl you screaming towards some in-app purchases.

OK, most are theme park simulators or re-skinned cutesy platformers, but we've trudged through them all to present the literal odd few that don't just break the mould, but crush it with an overwhelming sense of extinction-defying madness.

Welcome to the App Store's strangest dinosaurs…

Most Dog-like Dinosaurs Carnivores: Dinosaur Hunter (Tatem Games) Carnivores

For sheer cretaceous canine action, check out the Triceratops in this game's Survival mode. They bound over excitably as if you're smeared head to toe in Winalot, savage you without a moment's notice, and then whimper pitifully once you put them down with bullets.

They couldn't be any closer to mutt-kind unless they started licking their own balls or farting on the sofa.

Least Representative of the Jurassic Period Dinosaur Crazy Dino Attack (Appwacky Games) Crazy Dino Attack

To the fiddlin' strains of hillbilly chase music, tilt your device to aid an airborne dinosaur by setting off bombs and eating floating hamburgers. All whilst avoiding floating bonfires, kittens, and horses. You know, just like real dinosaurs never did.

Inexplicably, it's since disappeared completely from the App Store, making us wonder if it ever even existed in the first place. (It did, we still have it installed, and it's all yours for, say, £5,000?)

Clumsiest Dinosaur Dinosaur Simulator (DevelopmentSquared) Dinosaur Simulator

Perhaps gaming's most ferocious wazok, the titular star of this havoc-reigning role play is a bumbling, scaly lunatic. Tripping over telegraph poles, falling into buildings, and squashing the guts out of anyone unfortunate to be standing by, the reptilian disaster zone is a large scale version of your local drunk barfly who always claims to need just one more drink to, "get my head together, like".

Doors of Perception-Shattering Dinosaurs Dinosaurs Everywhere! A Jurassic Experience (Useless Creations) Dinosaurs Everywhere

Live giant lizards run amok your surroundings using camera trickery and some moderately plausible pre-rendered animations. As the creatures are to scale, you'll need plenty of room to appreciate the effect: watching them bestride the countryside is awe-inspiring, but seeing them lollop about bothering your wallpaper vaguely hallucinatory.

Great if you're on Dartmoor, not so much in a Croydon bedsit.

Most Demonic Dinosaur Mortal Cave (Yosef Genchev) Mortal Cave

Not since kiddie's favourite Barney has a dinosaur appeared so wilfully malevolent. Guide a red-eyed Rex through a series of Lemmings-style dwellings to his safety, only to be congratulated by a Faustian growl of, "Yes, my lord" for your efforts. A level of creepiness matched only by the depth of the caves themselves.

Most Anatomically Questionable Dinosaur Roar Rampage (FDG Entertainment) Roar Rampage

As much fun as this city-wreck side scroller is - pulverising skyscrapers and helicopters with your dirty great dinosaur fists - it can't help but leave us wondering how a T-Rex ended up with the stellar reach of a champion boxer.

We're pretty sure a stubby-armed tyrannosaurus would struggle to push a supermarket trolley around Lidl, let alone become some sort of prehistoric pugilist. Also, who made his boxing gloves, and why?

Improbable Team-Up Dinosaur Punch Quest (Rocketcat Games) Punch Quest

Points-hoovering arcade-style run 'n' punch that features a freshly-hatched dino'. The rudely-awaken reptile seems weirdly keen on assisting the guy that just literally smashed his fists into his birthplace. If it was the other way around there'd be questions raised in fantasy parliament, you mark our words.

Implausibly Audacious Dinosaur Nanosaur II: Hatchling (Pangea Software) Nanosaur

Because if you're going to make a game that defies rationality, you might as well go nostril-deep in madness and make A GAME ABOUT A TIME TRAVELLING DINOSAUR THAT FIRES LAZER BEAMS FROM A JET PACK. Not since Yoshi decided to burp out his unfertilised young as a way of taking out bad guys has a method of dinosaur combat felt so weirdly right.

Stomping on a Poorly Animated Copycat Dinosaur Jurassic Dinosaur Rampage 3D Run (See Hwa Lim) Jurassic Dinosaur

A re-skinned Temple Run clone whose utter lack of originality certainly wouldn't have earned it a place on the list, save for one fact: the protagonist pelts along like a clockwork soldier who's just wiped his bum on a shattered lightbulb. Kate Upton turns up occasionally in pop-up ads to remind us that, yes, she still owns a pair of breasts.

The Self-Doubt Dinosaur JVGS (Enhance Projects Pty Ltd) JVGS

Somewhat mournful stickman platformer. Circle-headed hero clambers over darkly reflective philosophical stanzas whilst dodging deadly creatures, one of whom is a rather forlorn-looking raptor. He might bring the player death but frankly, he just looks like he needs a good cuddle and a cry.

The Chris Pratt-Munching Dinosaurs Jurassic World: The Game (Ludia) Jurassic World

Actually, this park-building and dino-rearing game's sanity is positively level-headed. It's just that really, we wanted a Chris Pratt simulator. You know, a game where you get to schlub around like in Parks & Recreation, or be a wise-ass space dude, or have almost the whole world's wives want to sleep with you, yet be so utterly charming the husbands would still buy you a pint regardless. I mean, is that really too much to ask, games developers? Is it?

Miles Hamer
Miles Hamer
Miles Hamer is a freelancer who has written for Pocket Gamer