Games are great. When all of the elements come together, they can provide you with seconds, minutes, hours, days, and even months of pure, unadulterated fun.
But occasionally you come across a real stinker, which, for a variety of different reasons, must be purged from your mobile instantly and forever.
Read on to find out.Artificial padding
No, LEGO games, we don't want to play each of your levels multiple times just to unlock a new character that's a mixture of two characters that I already have. Give us meaningful content that challenges and entertains us.Notifications
Don't remind us that we haven't been playing your game that much lately. That's probably because it was rubbish in the first place, and if anything you've just reminded us to delete it. Keep those notifications to a minimum.Adverts
Adverts suck, but pop-up ads are intolerable. Yes, we may have downloaded your game for free, but if you want us to actually play it, find a clever way of displaying ads. Don't shove them in our faces or we'll swat your game away like an irritating fly.Repetition
We spend our days doing mundane, repetitive tasks to earn money and buy your game. If at any point your game starts to feel like a job we'll instantly quit and tell our friends to avoid you.
We don't want to play the worst part of your game hundreds of times just to get to the good part. In fact, now we just plain don't want to play your game at all.Translation errors
Translation errors break the immersion, and as soon as that's gone we're forced to acknowledge to ourselves that we are mere mortals, of negligible value to the human race, sitting in our boxers, eating Doritos, and prodding a screen. Don't do that to us.Plot cliches
We're fed up of saving the world. That cackling madman isn't a threat to us any more because we know we're going to punch him in the face in a few hours. At this point, we'd be happy to play a game about going to the shop for a pint of milk just for something different.
Don't use stock characters - we've seen them all before. Most folk in the real world have multiple dimensions so give us that in our video game characters as well.Sexism
Don't reduce men or women to winnable objects in games - it completely goes against everything that we believe in and makes us feel uncomfortable.Unsatisfying mechanics
We don't want floaty platformers, flimsy shooters, or limp action RPGs. We want our jumps to be precise, our guns to make loud noises and destroy everything in their path, and our swords and hammers to sever limbs and crack skulls.
Head to Google Play or the App Store and you'll see plenty of reviews calling out these little nasties. Squish 'em quick or we're done playing.
If everything is a breeze to achieve or our phone is currently hurtling towards the wall at screen-cracking speed, chances are that we're done with your game.Gender locking
When we're given the chance to create our own character in a game, we don't want that character to be locked into a specific gender. That's a lazy and unnecessary design decision that puts us off even downloading your stupid game in the first place.Frame rate issues
Who wants to play a game that stutters along at the same pace it takes our grandparents to cross the road? Nobody, that's who.Enormous file size
All the Pixar movies, Daredevil episodes, Ed Sheeran albums, and Gameloft games start filling up our iPads quickly. Make sure we can actually fit your game on it or we won't even bother.Virtual joysticks
Virtual joysticks are absolutely hideous and enormous efforts have already been made to hide them. We're grateful for that - get rid of them.Wait timers
We don't want to wait to play - we want to choose when we play. We just chose not to play your game instead.Forced spending
Don't make your game incredibly hard and then hide health potions, armour, and stronger weapons behind a paywall. That's just mean.Social network linkage
We don't want all and sundry to know how much time we spend playing mobile games. Rather than link your game up to Facebook we'll simply delete it. You've been warned.