7 things that will absolutely definitely happen at today's Apple keynote

At 6PM BST (10 AM PDT) today, Apple will hold a much-hyped and hotly-anticipated keynote.

The event, hosted by Tim Cook and his bezzie buds like Eddie Cue and Craig Federighi, will be streamed on Apple's site and on Apple TV. And we'll have stories on everything you need to know after the show.

But what should you expect? What will happen during the event, what will Apple show, and what crazy antics will those infamous execs get up to?

We've pulled together all the rumours and all the speculation to provide an exhaustive prediction guide to tonight's show. If these seven things don't happen, we will immediately shut down Pocket Gamer for good.

Tim Cook will unveil an iPhone 6 with bigger screen, support for NFC payments, and a faster processor.

Eddie Cue will show off a new iWatch device that relays push notifications from your iPhone to your wrist.

Tim Cook will refer to iCloud as "the service that got you all them Jennifer Lawrence nudes".

Cue will explain how the iPhone 6 camera can take photos through walls, as long as the walls are less than five inches thick.

Craig Federighi will accidentally reveal that he has the power to levitate.

Jony Ive will stroll out in a turtleneck that's pulled up to his eyes. When he realises no one can understand his muffled cries, he'll disappear off stage, never to return to an Apple keynote address.

Cook says "One more thing!" and then reveals that Apple has perfected the art of DNA duplication and has cloned a t-rex. The prehistoric beast storms through the Flint Center and crushes a journalist from The Verge under the weight of its massive tail. The t-rex then goes on a rampage of destruction through Cupertino, killing 18 in its wake. Tech pundits are unimpressed.