Dark Souls II is nowhere near as hardcore as these super-hardcore iPad and iPhone games

I was reading in my newspaper this morning that a game called Dark Souls II will be available for obsolete under-the-TV console boxes this week.

Apparently, it's quite good.

Alas, I'm a Pocket Gaming Thug 4 Life, so I wouldn't normally give two monkey hoots about another disc-based game that would inevitably clog up my empty shelves and never get played.

But then I saw that dreadful word. Yes, 'hardcore'.

"It's a hardcore game for the hardcore gamers who game while sat on hardcore, listening to hardcore, throwing hard cores at The Corrs, and telling Tom Hardy his performance in The Dark Knight Rises wasn't core enough," one review I just made up read.

"Piffle", I said, raising an eyebrow as I did and making Marjory spit out her Bran Flakes.

I used such terrible language because everyone with more than four braincells to crash together knows that the only true test of a gamer's gaming ability is to be found on the App Store.

Real gamers don't need buttons... or swishy graphics... or HDMI cables. All they need is an iOS device, preferably with a Retina display, and the ability to move their fingers really fast.

You think Dark Souls II is hardcore?

Well, you're wrong. Play these games now, then go home (or back to work) safe in the knowledge that the hardest of the hardcore hang out at the Apple Store.

"Wah wah, Dark Souls II is hard because you die a lot."

Shut it.

You die way more in 1001 Attempts. And even after you've had 1001 attempts, you can still keep attempting, and dying, for, like, another million attempts or something.

"Oh, but in Dark Souls II there are loads of different environments."

Seriously, shut it.

In 774 Deaths, sometimes you're a dog, I think. And sometimes the game starts and it's upside down and you fall off the ceiling into some spikes.

Does your precious Dark Souls II do that?

"But the bosses in Dark Souls II are really big."

Why don't you just shut up?

At the end of every level in League of Evil 3, you punch a scientist to death. Scientists invented the atom bomb and all of the guns in the world, so they're obviously the toughest bosses.

"Dark Souls II has got loads of atmosphere and stuff."

Are you still talking?

Super Hexagon is so difficult and twisty-roundy that it often makes me do a bit of sick in my mouth, which I have to swallow while I'm still playing.

How's THAT for atmosphere?

"Yeah, well, Dark Souls II is tough right from the get-go."

This isn't a conversation. Just pipe down.

If you get past the first obstacle in Flappy Bird, you're basically the best person at playing games who ever lived. You're the king of games, and you get a parade.

I think all that's true, but I never actually got past the first obstacle.

"Getting to the end of Dark Souls II is a real challenge."

SHUT UP.

The Impossible Game is impossible. It's called The Impossible Game, for God's sake. If you get to the end of it, you haven't just achieved something; you've contravened the laws of physics.

"Dark Souls II is all about honing your equipment for the adventure ahead."

I'm going to ask you to leave soon.

Super Crate Box doesn't let you hone anything. It just gives you random stuff and then you die and you get asked to leave the bus because you keep shouting naughty words and the woman next to you won't stop crying.

"In Dark Souls II, you're basically always on your own."

I'm ignoring you now.

In Dual Survivor, you're not on your own. Well, you are, but you've got to do two things at once, and it's really hard to do them. Like rubbing your belly and patting your head simultaneously. But with games.

"Dark Souls II is the most demanding game I've ever played."

What? What does that even mean?

In Trambo, you play as Trambo. Trambo's totally rubbish and won't do what you tell him to do. And then the infinite blackness at the edge of the universe catches up with you and you're sucked into oblivion.

"Even the regular enemies in Dark Souls II offer a real test."

I'll call the police soon.

The bad guy in Don't Shoot Yourself is you. You have to not shoot yourself, which is a lot harder in the game that it is in real life. I bet Dark Souls II doesn't even contain friendly fire.

So, there you go. I have now conclusively proven that Dark Souls II is actually a game for mewling children who don't know one end of the controller from another.

If you disagree, then I don't care. You're wrong.

True hardcore gamers play on their iPhones on the way to work, and everyone else is a phoney and can suck it. Whatever 'it' is.