Sometimes, you just have to stick your head over the parapet and blow raspberries at the oncoming army.
Not because it's smart, or because it's brave. But because you want to annoy them. And so...
Hello, what's this? Is it a list of 12 reasons the iPhone 5S is better than the PS4? I hope it's presented with reasoned and sensible arguments throughout.
(It is not.)
Well, then, I hope it's got some good points that aren't purely designed to provoke people into shouting at one another on the internet.
(It does not.)
1. Your iPhone fits in your pocket
Don't talk to me about bags or satchels or any of your other fancy carrying devices. If something doesn't fit in your pocket, then it's not as good as something that does fit in your pocket. End of.
2. You can play it on a bus
Don't try and play your PS4 on a bus. That's because it won't work.
3. It has more games
That's just a fact. Don't try to deny it. It's a fact.4. You can use it to call people
What if you were stuck on a mountain and you needed to call for help and you only had a PS4? You'd die. And it'd be because of your poor choice of entertainment machine.
5. You won't get shouted at by Xbox fans for having one
Well, you might, but they'll probably be too busy saying incendiary things to PS4 fans on Twitter to actually notice you.
6. You can use it to send texts to people
What if you were stuck in a hole and you needed to text for help and you only had a PS4? You'd die. And it'd be because of your poor choice of entertainment machine.
7. It's available in gold
Nothing screams sophistication, intelligence, and rationality like a gold mobile phone. The PS4 is black and boring and probably explodes all the time.
8. Jony Ive made it flat
Thanks to iOS 7, the iPhone is now literally the flattest phone ever invented. It's so smooth that if you put a PS4 on it, it would slide off and then explode.
9. You don't have to have it plugged in all the time
If you were holding your PS4 and someone knocked at the door with a cheque for a million pounds, you'd have to put the console down before you answered. That someone with a cheque would probably just leave before you got to the door. Ergo, the PS4 has just cost you a million pounds.
10. It doesn't have any buttons to break
Well, the iPhone 5S does have some buttons, but the PS4 has way more buttons. Imagine using buttons on a phone. People would chase you down the street throwing sausages at you, screaming 'live in the now, sausage fingers!'
11. You can ask Siri questions and it answers
If you talk to your PS4, you're just talking to a black brick. iPhone virtual PA Siri is nice and smart and says things back to you. Like where pubs are. And that you don't have any appointments today.
12. You're helping the economy
If you buy a PS4, you won't buy a PS5 for, like, ten years. By contrast, Apple releases a new iPhone every single year. And you ALWAYS have to buy one. You're fighting the recession. Thank you.