To misquote one of the greatest football managers ever, "FIFA 14, bloody hell!"
Yep, EA's latest iOS footy extravaganza is a massive multi-faceted soccer sim that's pretty tricky to get your head around.
Oh, you can jump straight in with its ridiculously Easy default difficulty level and its iffy touch-and-drag control option. But the true footy purists will want to whack it up to at least Semi-Professional and master those fiddly virtual controls, especially when it comes to preparing for online battle.
While FIFA 14 for mobile is nowhere near as deep as its console brother, there is a whole host of tricks and flicks to master here. You can execute most of these flashy manoeuvres using the virtual "Skill Move" stick under your right thumb.
As in the real game of football, none of these showboating skills is essential to success. Mastering a couple, however, can be the key to unlocking a particularly tight defence. It will also keep human opponents guessing in FIFA 14's online mode about your next move.
Here are ten of our favourite tricks and flicks for world football domination, as demonstrated by the world's greatest footballer, Lionel Messi (and me). Just copy the command patterns shown in the accompanying screenshots, and note that many of the moves can be mirrored (allowing you to shift to the left or right).
You can throw a Ronaldo-like step-over, whereby your player throws his leg over the ball, simply by pressing 'up' on the trick stick.
But to really wriggle past those standing tackles, you'll need to follow that command up by sliding to the top left or top right. This serves to quickly nudge the ball in the opposite direction to the initial shimmy.
Fake one way and go another
A bit like the step-over but quicker and subtler. This involves a faint to go one way followed by an angled move to the other.
A great way to burst past a defender in any situation.
This move essentially enables you to strafe with the ball, jinking laterally without changing your running angle.
By playing the ball off both feet in quick succession, it's also a good way to shimmy between two attentive defenders.
Or to give the move its non-rubbish name, the drag back. With this move, your player hops back with the ball under-foot.
It's an effective way to buy a little time and space to play those killer through balls even when you're being closely shadowed.
Go back & to the side
This really is a very different move from the straight-up go back. By using it, you can stop dead and move off at a right angle while keeping the ball close to your player.
Turn Right / Left
Essentially, a quicker version of the previous move. So, your player flicks the ball at a right angle to the way he's running and behind his standing foot.
A great way to surprise a full-back and cut inside rather than head for the byline.
Initiate this move and your player will clamp the ball between his feet and execute a little bunny hop, a move made popular by Mexico legend Cuauhtémoc Blanco.
It looks a bit silly, but it's one of the few ways in FIFA 14 that you can dink the ball up in the air deliberately, so it has its uses.
Here's another move that enables you to get the ball airborne while keeping it reasonably close.
In truth, the animation - which involves rolling the ball up one leg with the other then flicking it up and forward - is a little too long on this one for it to be practical in close quarters situations. But with a bobbling ball, you've always got a chance of getting through a packed defence.
Hold the opposite direction on the D-pad after initiating and you'll flick the ball back over your player's head.
Backheel and to the side
This move represents a good way to glide past a defender who's perhaps got a little close for comfort.
Otherwise, you may just be able to wrong-foot an opponent using this move on account of the way the ball bounces quickly between the player's feet (from backheel to instep).
Another close quarters evasive manoeuvre. By executing a roulette, you can make like Zidane and '360' your way past a static defender.