While Chairman Mark is off giving rousing speeches and marshalling the Pocket Gamer troops in the far-flung lands of Wee Koff, it's fallen to me to round up the past seven days in mobile and handheld gaming.
Hold on to your hats - it might get bumpy.
The big hitter this week is free-to-play tower defence sequel Plants vs Zombies 2. Here, PopCap adds IAPs to the age-old tale of flowers beating the mush out of the undead.
At review, we gave Plants vs Zombies 2 a Bronze Award and called it "a worthy sequel to a much-loved original, but one that suffers from structural changes introduced to accommodate IAP."
Elsewhere this week, we've dug for precious metal in Gold Diggers. Rather ironically, it got a Silver Award. We've also become legendary pirates in Pirate Legends TD, which got a Bronze Award. We don't have a pieces of eight award, you see.
In Handheld Land, the big new release was Open Me! We did exactly as we were told and found a clever augmented reality game in which the dev takes advantage of some of the Vita's oft-overlooked features. It got a Silver Award.
The feature is now
This week, we had a look at what gamers might want Apple to include in its much-speculated-about budget iPhone 5C. We concluded that you all would probably want games. And a decent screen and lots of storage.
We also talked about some Scottish games we're all excited about, had a chat with SuperHippo about aquatic tower defence game Pirate Legends TD, and went behind the touchscreen to find out about the making of The Room.
We even found time to list five iOS and Android boardgames that are perfect for newcomers to the digital dice-rolling scene. And all without breaking a sweat. Well, sort of.
If you haven't been paying proper attention to the world of mobile gaming over the past seven days, shame on you. Oh, and here's a summary of the chunkiest pocket gaming news chunks we dug up this week.
Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition got a plus 4 to its litigation roll, managed to get past the terrifying dungeon of "contractual issues", and popped back on the App Store. All good news for fans of classic RPGs.
Gameloft's eighth bite at the Asphalt cherry, Asphalt 8: Airborne, now has a confirmed release date. This souped-up racer should accelerate onto the App Store and Google Play Store on August 22nd. Which is my birthday! Thanks, Gameloft, it's just what I wanted.
Last but not least, Cave put all of its bullet-hell shooters on sale. They should still be on sale now, so why not grab yourself a neon-tinged bargain right this second.
That's your lot for this week. Laters.