Star Sim

If games are meant to serve as a form of escapism, then one can only conclude that Star Sim is aimed at those who live mundane lives.

That's not just down to the fruitless activities the game serves up - exercising, singing, and making a sandwich are some of highlights – but also because your role in them is limited to a button press or two.

Watching someone else live out a life that's ultimately more banal than your own is hardly a compelling concept.

What's even more bizarre about all this, however, is that Star Sim's blurb – and, indeed, its very name – suggests a life far less ordinary.

In concept, the game hands you control of what Star Sim describes as 'the girl', whom you're tasked with shooting to stardom.

In practice, you'll spend large portions of your time simply guiding this Geri Halliwell lookalike around her pad, directing her towards the fridge when she's hungry, telling her to pop off to the gym when she's lazy, or switching on the television when she's bored.

Rest assured, that's not me dumbing down the experience delivered here – prodding and poking her towards entirely menial tasks is the extent of your actions, with your main role being to sit and watch as she undertakes tasks that are signposted from start to finish.

You might expect a trip to the recording studio, for instance, to offer up some high points. In reality, it results in you choosing between directing 'the girl' towards having a blast at stretching her vocal chords, or practising her dance routines.

In both cases, once said decision has been made you again take on the role of a spectator, merely watching as your strumpet struts her particularly bouncy stuff.

The only elements of play that promote any real engagement and interaction, in fact, are the clones of classic games that (rather oddly) adorn the walls of 'the girl's' house.

Playing Tetris (in all but name) is certainly not objectionable, but when that's the main highlight of a game that's set up as a full-on life simulator, it's a clear indicator that something has gone wrong somewhere.

More abhorrent, however, is the misogynistic tone that drives Star Sim throughout. It's not over-egging the pudding to suggest that 'the girl' – also referred to as 'the ward', on occasion – serves as little more than a particularly busty Barbie doll for you to dress up, play around with, and undress as you please.

The fact it's possible to cap 'the girl' in her undies and then text or email said snap to all and sundry is the icing on this mildly disturbing cake.

All such awkward moments aside, what really disappoints about Star Sim is that there's no real game to speak of. If seeking stardom really is this dour, long may my own sparkling career remain firmly under the radar.