The Buzz: Spore fan-fiction special

"Hello," said the creature.
"Hello," I replied.
"I am a genital."
I nodded thoughtfully. The creature waited, but I didn't know what to say.
"I like your tusks," it said.

I have to admit that such creatures amuse me. My universe is filled with banality. Everybody can frolic, fight, eat, reproduce – my species can terraform planets, fight wars, engage in diplomacy, sing songs, create life - but nobody can hold a conversation. They all must have seen what I've seen, but nobody can reminisce. I ache to sit down with somebody and share. It would be like releasing a fusillade of torpedoes into the sky – boom – your problem now!

I have no genital. I don't know what a genital is. I have long since ceased to wonder why I understand what is happening when such a creature approaches me - not what the genital is, exactly, but that it is anarchic and dangerous. A genital is an expression of defiance. I have no better definition.

I have long since ceased to wonder, but I used to wonder. When I shared a much simpler, smaller universe, embedded in globs and crusts of slime, existing only to eat and flee, I wondered why the universe felt familiar, the rules of it and the sense of it being a beginning.

That was the beginning, and this is the end, but I have ceased to wonder how I know. I just know. Now, there is only this.

I attribute my extraordinary longevity to the choices I have made. My species is not the only one in this universe, but it is the most intelligent. Some creatures embraced violence as though it were possible to smash through every predicament, but our predicaments grew fibrous and convoluted as species flourished. Co-operators knotted together and formed insuperable alliances, theocrats lied and evangelised, aggressors pulverised cities until they exhausted their arms, and were pulverised in turn.

My god was wise, and having a wise god is more important than believing in Him. I was no theocrat, but I conquered theocrats. I had no contact with religion, but in my sleep I dreamed verse.

1. Lo, as the game is made known He looketh forward to the game, and he sayeth "I shall pre-order this game from Amazon.com.

2. "Or a similar outlet.

3. "And before it arriveth I shall mould a creature with the tools the Ultimate Creator hath provided.

4. "And I shall tread the good path, and I shall not indulge in profane acts.

5. "Lest I loseth my account."

6. And in time He played the game, and saw that it was good.

7. Particularly the space mission.

8. But His pleasure waneth when he tried to install it thrice, for this was forbidden.

9. "Why hath thou forsaken me?" He sayeth, and the Ultimate Creator spake not.

10. "Why cannot my wife also install this game I have exchanged for my cash?" He sayeth, and the Ultimate Creator spake not.

11. And He was miffed.

I ceased to wonder about the universe outside my own, but I know it's there, and know that the universe outside my own in the only place where intelligent life exists. My universe is not a discriminating one. Every creature that exists may join me here, if only for a short time. Sometimes I see a genital of such obscenity that I sense I'll never see it again.

No loss, I think. There will be others.

I even have friends, geneses of other gods whose wisdom I trust. They seek me out, and we mingle, but there's no spark. No intelligence. My god has sent members of my species out into the wider universe of parallel worlds, and I monitor the progress of my former compatriots, and envy them - even those who are annihilated. Mine is a universe of swirling clockwork, like smoke unfurling into glass chambers. I once aspired to grow and conquer, but now I that I have nothing left to conquer I am simply waiting to die.

I wonder if other creatures in my universe feel, as I do, that they are alone. Surrounded by life. My capacity to be entertained by the appearance of others is ever diminishing, and as I look back on the extraordinary evolution I have undergone I only wish I could have remained in one of the phases, and made something more of it. Better to live a short life fully than to live forever on the surface of things.

Yes, I feel privileged to be part of this universe. I know that's special. It's an achievement on a scale never before attempted, in any universe, and will be remembered as such when other universes have supplanted it. I am part of history, and I am proud.

"What are you?"
"Nothing."
"Oh." The creature hovers in front of me. "I'm a genital," it says. "Can you tell?"
"Yes," I say. "You're a female genital."
"That's right," it says proudly. "I suppose you're going to report- "

It disappears.

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The Bee is an industry insider who has fed on the nectar of over three decades' worth of gaming. All opinions expressed are the author's own.