The Buzz: The Game of Loving
This week, The Bee investigates the lack of romance in video games
The week the Big News for The Bee is not with games consoles. It is with a little known device named as the Apple iPhone telephone, and it is because the iPhone Application Store is open with many games to play. Ring ring, hello, who is it? Super Monkey Ball?
Wonderful!
Many people have been asking a question: Will the iPhone crush Nintendo DS and Sony PSP? Is it becoming the main excellent console for handheld video game future? Will Nintendo and Sony become obsolete trash robot factory?
No.
Of course they will not, but it is still fun to have an iPhone and play with the modern phenomenal games. When it is affordable in my country, I will disclose more. For now will hang up the iPhone.
Click.
That is my little joking. This week, The Bee will talk about a subject that is most crucial for nearly the six months anniversary for Saint Valentine Day (and warning 'under the veil' for Mrs Bee): sad relationship breakdown!
In video games relationships are always doom. Mario is rescuing Princess Peach many times to have a kiss... but in the next game they are separated! CJ has illegal Hot Chocolate... but he is not closer to being a married gentleman with 'balls 'n' chain'! Gordon Freeman is having the dough eyes from Alex Vance in future wasteland... but he will not even talk to her!
Why will the relationships in video game universe not work? Celebrity intense pressure? Bad work/living balance? Goomba attack? It is probably mystery forever, but here are The Bee's Top 5 romances in video games, with analysing for success.
(If you wonder, new laws for protecting virtual children from sex crime prohibit Ico and his lady friend from the list.)
The Game of Loving
Mr Mario 4 Princess Peach
He is lowly plumber and she is monarch with kidnapping fetish. He is rescuing her many times with risk to life and life of less important brother Luigi, but they will not always get married!
Why!?!?!?!?!
The clue is with the question: he is honest working man and she is aristocrat. Although he is loving her so much, she probably doesn't even know that the same ethnic minority plumber saves her every time!
It is tough luck for Mario, perhaps he will find a more realistic romance... with a chamber maid!
Love rate: 1/5
Leon Kennedy 4 Ashley Graham
He is handsome special killing agent from America, she is attractive child of the America president and kidnap victim of Spanish zombie conspiracy. The relationship is troubled when it begins, but they can co-operate and show marrying potential by pressing switches in not-mutually-accessible places.
She is a nuisance sometimes when he must catch her and when she is attacked and cannot help herself to not be killed... like a little girl! He loving rival Ada Wong is much better for violence, but she is not wise to trust. Because she loves to kill! Choices for Leon!
Even though both ladies are potential partners for mating, Leon does not show to be interested in them. Based on the evidence of this and immaculate hair grooming, The Bee has a hypothesis. Leon is a young successful homosexual. And he is present.
Get used to it!
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Love rate: 1/5
Gordon Freeman 4 Alex Vance
He is saving mankind with killing, she is attractive science daughter. She is fond of him even sweating in a mechanical jumping suit. Gordon, you are so brave! Gordon, you have saved humans with your accurate gun! It is marriage in heaven except for one problem. He is strong silent type to the maximum!
Gordon, I would like to go in the cinema with you.
Gordon, my giant robot dog trusts you.
Do you like me also?
Then I hate you!
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Love rate: 2/5
Niko Bellic 4 Florian Crevic
From the second Niko Bellic is in Liberty City it is one thing he wants. Killing Florian Crevic, who was in the army with him and he has taken him by surprise from behind, with the result of many deaths.When Niko finds Florian thanks to Italian criminal, he receives big surprise. Florian is professional house designer! And also gay.
After he chooses not killing Florian, Niko is often helping him to vanquish homophobes from various nationalities, and Florian admires Niko for his extraordinary stopping power. Could romances blossom between them?
No. There are two reasons, because number one Niko is not also gay, and number two he is unreliable with romance. He prefers many times to visit criminal friends for violent missions more than to answer his mobile telephone and go for a date to play disappointing darts mini-game..jpg)
Love rate: 2/5
Ryu 4 Chun-Li
On paper it is perfect marriage. Ryu and Chun-Li are violent Far Eastern illegal street fighting champions with magical ability to harm. Competition for Ryu is also small as his rivals are a fat man called E Honda, a thin man called Dhalsim, and also a green man who is also half a dog and electric gorilla called Blanka.
Competition for Chun-Li is also not strong, even although she has now gigantic fat legs of a bullock.
Unfortunate the possible 'loving birds' have not shown interest in mating. Instead they like to make inappropriate gloating as "I will crush you!" and "Prepare for violent death!" As the consequence, domestic violence is unacceptable risk, and the quest of Ryu to assault many people makes a bad role model for potential children.
Videogame violence is claiming another victim!.jpg)
Love rate: 2/5
The Bee 4 Mrs Bee
He is world-famous private industry insider, she is lazy pest reading articles of broken celebrities and infrequently emptying the ashtray. It is doomed 'on the paper' except for a special factor more powerful than beauty, wisdom, or liking.
Possible future inheritance.
(It is joking!).jpg)
Love rate: 5/5
The Bee is an industry insider who has fed on the nectar of over three decades' worth of gaming. All opinions expressed are the author's own.