Top five reasons why you should be bought a PSP or Nintendo DS this Christmas
Good things come to those who ask. Properly.
With the Christmas buying season in full swing, we warm-hearted Pocket Gamer folks thought we might bring cheer to the hearts of underprivileged gamers by giving you the top five arguments why you should be bought a Nintendo DS or Sony PSP.
That's aside from, "Because I want to play loads of games on it!" of course, which we've often found doesn't quite cut much mustard in opening the present-buyer's purse or wallet.
Those innocent gift givers in your life need convincing that they're going to be giving you so much more than a games system. They need to hear that they'll be enriching your existence in new and previously unimagined ways.
What follows is a tried and tested approach to setting-up fruitful Christmas deliveries. It's worked for us since the days of the Atari home consoles, so read on.
PSP for meIf you'd like to wake up Christmas morning and find the oblong outline of a Sony PSP value pack wrapped under the tree, try leaving the following note.
(Or else use the following as the basis of your arguments if you're of the age where you prefer your stockings to be on ladies' legs rather than hanging on the mantelpiece – that is, you're a man over the age of 13…)
Dear Santa, I'd really like a Sony PSP this year. We all know that it's a cool games system, but it will offer so much more than that for me. As well as playing games, I'll also be able to... 1. Listen to music with it
That's right, I'll be able to use the PSP to enjoy music – therefore actually SAVING money on a separate MP3 player! [A double-whammy of an opener – a functional and financial benefit! Feel your mum's/partners purchasing resistance crumble beneath its tiger uppercut-like power.] 2. Watch movies on it
There are now dozens of great movies available on the PSP's UMD disc format, so I'll be able to use the machine to see films. This will means that other people can watch Christmas Songs of Praise on the telly while I'm enjoying Jackass: The Movie on the PSP upstairs. This will immeasurably improve my home life over the holiday period. 3. Browse the internet on it
Yes, Santa old bean, with a PSP in my hands near a wi-fi connection, I'll be able to browse the internet in search of Bible stories, Save the Whale campaigns and other such goodness. Now, if you could just see your way clear to put a wireless router in the stocking with the PSP, that would be just dandy... 4. Interact with other human beings through the magic of wireless gaming
People may be forgiven for thinking that a handheld games system is an anti-social device, destined to divide its users into individual pockets of digital isolation. But no! The PSP comes fitted with a wireless network system, which means next time I'm on the bus I'll be able to bring to life an advertising executive's wet dream of multi-cultural social interaction, playing games with other real humans while trading street jargon such as, "backatcha!" and "yo ass is mine!" I think you get the picture. 5. Use it to explore the great cultural centres of the world
The Passport discs, created in conjunction with the Lonely Planet book people, cover major European cities like Rome and Paris. I'll be able to learn about these places and perhaps one day will take my mum/ girlfriend/ whoever's buying this PSP for me* on a lovely holiday there. [*Delete as applicable. And note the use of the word 'perhaps'. This may be important at a later date...] As you can see, these are all wonderful things a PSP can do, so if you could see your way clear to load one on the sleigh for me I'd really appreciate it. Ta! Nice one you lovely old Arctic-dwelling dude,
A. Punter
DS is the best
For those readers as-yet unblessed by the ownership of a Nintendo DS but yearning oh so strongly to have one, we recommend despatching the following missive to the chubby, red-suited chap:
Dear Santa, Nintendo's DS Lite is a really nice bit of kit. Yes, it obviously does play games – all those classic, family-friendly Nintendo titles we know and love. But there are so many other ways it will enrich my life. I'll be able to... 1. Improve my brainpowerOh, also... make sure you set your grandparents on track to give you HMV/ WH Smiths/ Game vouchers, so that they can, 'Buy you something that you really will enjoy,' from them in the January sales, when they will also be, 'Saving money.'
Yes, it's true! By using Nintendo's Brain Training software I'll be able to improve my already sky-high IQ by putting it through a daily work-out of number crunching, syllable-counting, and hours and hours of sudoku puzzles. 2. Listen to music on it
By adding the new DS MP3 player I'll be able to use my DS to – you guessed it – play MP3s. Through the power of this combination I'll be able to once more dance on Tube platforms, shuffle rhythmically on the bus, and tap in an annoyingly cheerful way in quiet office environments. Just like I did with the CD Walkman you brought me in 1998. Before I dropped it. 3. Also interact socially with other human beings through the magic of wireless gaming
I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer given in the letter above. 4. Nurture a tiny, sweet creature and thereby improve my understanding of nature
I've been asking you for a puppy for years (and occasionally get to handle a couple of sweet ones), but this is my chance to raise one in the comfort of my own bedroom/ sofa/ bus journey. Nintendogs is the epitome of non-violent gaming – in fact, it's not really a game at all. Through the power of DS I'll be learning to spread animal love (not that kind) and care throughout the world. 5. Look, I've run out of non-games reasons but dammit I want to play New Super Mario Bros and that's a pretty good reason right there!
I mean, what's the issue here? It's not like I'm asking for a machete or a gas-powered air rifle, is it? (Mind you, if you do have either of those kicking around I'd quite like one. Or a crossbow, come to think of it.) Er... that's it. Cheers buddy,
Me
If you're thinking that we're evil, manipulative and downright underhand... Well, yes, you're right but as far as gaming is concerned, Christmas is a potential present goldmine. So get digging!