Pub Football

The greatest spin off from the beautiful game must be five-a-side football. Much faster and more physical, it gives everyone a chance to muck in and hoof it randomly towards the other team's goal, while young, fast skillful players are flattened by well-rounded middle-aged men in tight fitting T-shirts. In Pub Football we're handed the reigns of a local mob, sorry, team of such men, steering it through trials and titanic matches, all the way to the World Pub Tournament.

Sadly, the trials you'll endure are the impossible controls, ridiculously tough opponents, mediocre presentation and deep stomach cramps you'll experience once you realise you've bought a nightmarish game. It's not a case of merely being misunderstood; it's just a case of being unplayable. With regards to the controls, while you're told on more than one occasion what each button does, the game harps on about some strange passing technique that only serves to make you detest it even more. It doesn't matter how many times you're told, it (and other hare-brained ideas) simply don't work!

Pass the ball to a team-mate and he'll end up running in the other direction, whereas trying to shoot at the goal will instantly lose you the ball. And don't even think about tackling an opposing player; the ref will blow his whistle for a foul whenever you come within a pixel of the opponent with the ball. A Ron Atkinson look-alike will pop up and give you his impartial comments after every move, which are always insulting and serve only to fuel the angry furnace raging in your brain.

If you're still able to hold your phone with your clenched fists and you have an incredibly high pain threshold, then there are a few game options available . If you manage to progress in the opening tournament you can unlock new teams and competitions, such as an International friendly or Penalty Shootout. Each team you unlock has a distinctive style, otherwise known as a different colour shirt, and these will enable you to be slaughtered by the computer team in its own uniquely-hued way.

It wouldn't be fair to say the developers haven't tried. The visuals are fine with smooth scrolling from end to end and decent animation. If, however, there are a couple of players around the ball, they all merge into one another like some giant orgy, making gameplay practically impossible at times. The sounds are fine and, unlike everything else in the game, are inoffensive. There may not be anything as sophisticated as a whistle sound effect, but there's a very nice high-pitched beeping and if by some miracle (that would rival the Virgin Mary's crying statue) you end up scoring a goal, you'll be rewarded with a richly deserved tune.

But at the end of 90 minutes, if you paid more than nothing for this then consider yourself robbed, though if you paid less then you've probably got a bargain or friends in high places. In the oh-so appropriate words of the condescending commentator following a defeat to the computer player, this effort is "awful, truly awful". Enough said.